I feel like absolute crap but I will not let this cold get in the way of celebrating with my wife. We’re trying out a new restaurant that she’s been wanting to go to, but that I had been avoidant and dismissive of every time she mentioned it. I’m not opposed to trying new things, quiet the opposite actually, but this is a Venezuelan restaurant and the menu is mostly in Spanish, and the idea of mispronouncing my order or of ordering food who’s description I cannot understand terrifies me.
I feel bad because I didn’t even realize I was doing it until she requested the place for Valentine’s date. I wondered what other things she’s interested in that I might be avoiding or dismissing. I want to be mindful of what I might be denying her in life without even realizing it and work hard to curb that tendency. My fears are no excuse for denying her new expieriences in life.
Dinner was amazing. We had calamari to start with a couple of very tropical cocktails. For dinner I ordered a steak topped with roasted onions and tomatoes with fried plantains, rice, and a fried egg on the side. It was delicious. Dessert wasn’t as impressive. My wife’s tiramisu was still frozen and my rice pudding was a little runny, but all in all I’m happy and even willing to come back.
As for us, we feel as in love as we did yesterday, last year, and ever since we were naïve teenagers unsure of where we were headed and what we were doing but knowing we wanted to figure out together. A holiday doesn’t change that, bring us closer, or remind us of what we have. We never forgot. When every day is a day of love Valentine’s day becomes nothing but an excuse for a shared meal and a couple of drinks.
I feel like absolute crap today. The sinus pain is nearly unbearable and the speed at which it’s reached this severity is seriously concerning me. It doesn’t help that I barely slept last night too. I was up all night with throbbing pain in my sinuses, my jaw, and even my teeth hurt!
When I woke up this morning, my face was swollen in the weirdest places. It seems so strange (and scary) that just a few days ago I felt on the mend and now it seems like I’m worse off than I began!
I don’t think this is all down to this cold I’ve been fighting. I think a large part of this icky feeling is the infusion and the new medication I started on Tuesday. I think either this is a direct side effect, or it has indirectly made the cold/throat infection worse. My hope is for the latter. I certainly can’t deal with this after every infusion for the rest of my life (or until the medication fails me like all the others).
Productivity-wise I’m completely useless. I feel so bad my coworkers can see it on my face and are imploring me to go home but I can’t, or I won’t. I have missed too much work, and life, as it is lately. I’m going to tough it out through to the weekend.
I thought I was getting better but today I’m almost 100% worse off than I was yesterday. I had bragged that though I was sick at least it was confined to my throat and I wasn’t plagued with nasal congestion or a cough. Today both have shown up and I’m unable to breathe comfortably. The battle is exhausting and infuriating.
On top of the sickness it’s snowing again too and my mood is only further soured. I can’t find one reason to be happy or positive. If I hadn’t already taken off so much and if I didn’t already have so many days off coming up I would have spent another day on the couch.
Thank god for my coworkers who are taking up my slack and making sure all the things I normally do get done to the same standard that I would have completed them if I were well enough to do so on my own. It’s a big weight lifted off my chest and a chance for me to rest emotionally even if I can’t physically.
Today’s the day. I woke up feeling better but I don;t think I really am I think that my anxiety levels are so high that my symptoms have subsided while my body wrangles with a false fear. I’m not about to die. I’m only running a little late. I’m only a little nervous, a little worried, and more than a little tired. Every thing is going to be just fine.
Everything went better than fine, everything went perfectly. I showed up to the clinic on time for my appointment and even heard from my doctor beforehand to remind her that I needed tests ordered at the lab. The infusion went fine, but it was not at all as comfortable as when I was on my last infusion medication.
This medication only takes 30 minutes where the last one was over 2 hours. When I was on the 2 hour medication I got to sit in the large open room with big windows and gorgeous mountain views but now that I’m on the 30 minute medication, I don’t get the big open room or the gorgeous mountain views anymore. I got the cramped “private infusion room” that was so small my wife opted to wait in the waiting room outside instead. It was pretty awful, but it was only 30 minutes.
When I got home, the sore throat and the nasty cold I’ve been fighting came roaring back and I ended up sleeping on the couch for over 3 hours. I have a feeling the infusion contributed. It’s tiring to have that much medication pumped into your body at once. It’s tiring to be so anxious and so aware of your body.
I feel good now though. I just needed to rest. I’m happy to report there have been no adverse effects or reactions and I’ll be ready to head back to work, back into the world, and back to my old self by tomorrow morning…I hope.
This week is already starting off on a rather negative note. I have a throat infection I’m fighting off and had to take the first day of the work week off to rest so I’m ready for the infusion center and my new medication starting on Tuesday. All this while still teaching the new employees at work and trying to keep in mind the pile of little errands and items to complete before the week’s end. I’m overwhelmed, anxious and exhausted already but I’m doing everything I can to turn that around and into excitement, enthusiasm, and energy.
This week I will:
Get well. So far this winter I have had an upper respiratory infection, an ear infection, and I’m now on my second throat infection that I fear is leading to another ear infection too. I regret not getting a flu shot this year and live in fear every day of contracting it or the equally nasty streptococcal pharyngitis. I have to work harder to get well and stay well. I will take my medications and supplements religiously, disinfect surfaces around me, and wash my hands more often.
Update: This cold was the worst I’ve had in a long time. This one scared me. I was in so much pain I nearly gave in and went to urgent care but I knew it was too soon for them to take me seriously or do very much for me. Rest and fluid, rest and fluids, that’s all they ever tell me so that is what I did and after more than a week I’m in a lot less pain and breathing a lot more easily. I may just live through it.
Read 100 pages of It by Stephen King. I started It this past weekend and just 40 pages in I already know I will love this book as much as just about every Stephen King book I’ve ever picked up, but I know this will be a difficult read. First of all it’s long, over 1,150 pages long, and it’s heavy so I can’t carry it with me wherever I go. It’s an “at home read” so I will have to dedicate time to it every night. Bonus: Finish Book 7 of Little Black Classics Box Set, Wailing Ghosts by Pu Songling.
Update: I read 300 pages! If I keep up this pace I could finish this tome in just over 3 weeks! I doubt I will keep it up though. I tend to get burned out on long ones just after I pass the halfway point. That’s why I’ve been reading two books at once. This book is so long I foresee multiple instances of burnout and more than one extended break. So, I’m slowing down a bit and adding another book to the mix. I’m shooting for six weeks instead.
Get reacquainted with my to-do list. I’ve been struggling to complete tasks for weeks now and I know it’s because I have failed to even glance at my to-do list in weeks. I had tried to move the list from analog scraps of paper to a list in my Google calendar but the benefit of paper was being able to keep the list in front of me at all times. THis week I would like to get back to that and create a hybrid system of keeping a master list online and a physical daily list in hand.
Update: When I wasn’t working I was dead to the world. I had only enough strength to live in the present and nothing left over for dreaming, planning, or plotting. I had nothing left for anything more than that basics and the bare minimum. I knew it all would have to be put on hold before I could even begin and so, didn’t bother wasting the mental energy on lists or calendars.
Print and fill out an editorial calendar, by hand. Just like my to-do list a digital editorial calendar doesn’t help me much because it’s too easy not to look at. It’s too easy to forget about entirely. I’ve noticed that I sit down to write and if I don’t have an idea or prompt ready to go, I give up right away. This week I’m going to start a new calendar with a list of prompts and projects to work on so I can’t ever say “I don’t know what to write about”.
Update: Like my to-do list I simply didn’t have the time or energy to brainstorm new ideas, start drafts, or jot notes but I made sure to at least print blank calendar pages of the next couple of months and as soon as I am feeling better, more focused, and motivated I will have them on hand to begin filling in.
Make a new blackout poem. Last weekend I started working my way through my hoarder-sized pile of magazines ripping out useful images and blocks of text and tossing the rest. Now that I have a sizable stock of material to work with I would like to reincorporate this meditative practice back into my evening or at least weekend routine. Bonus: Re-work the cutout poem from last week and post.
Update: I couldn’t make this one happen either but I have the pages I want to work from all ready to go on my desk once the headaches and sinus congestion subside enough for me to concentrate without pain. I have the cutout poem from last week reworked and edited but for some reason I cannot bring myself to share it. I may shelve it until the time feels right.
Find a new balance. I’ve been working under the same schedule for years and years but with a new role and new responsibilities comes a new work hours and an increased demand on my attention and energy. I had hoped that these demands would come only every other week or less but it looks like I’ll have to let go of that idea. Things aren’t going to “die down” anymore and if I want to avoid burnout, I need to find a new way forward in my pursuit of an equitable work/life balance.
Update: This week I swung too far to the other end of the spectrum and took too much time for myself and my needs. It’s what I had to do, but it’s not something I can go on doing. I haven’t found the balance yet, but I have decided that no matter what happens through the rest of this month and the next, there is light at the end of the tunnel. The last day of school isn’t as far away as it feels and one way or another fewer work hours and more time for me are on the way.
This week I will not complicate things. My goals are simple and 100% doable if I make the time to do them. I fail when I get distracted, when I allow new ideas or the needs of the moment to monopolize the now. The goal is to stop trying to do everything all at once. Instead, I should do each thing one at a time. I should not overwhelm myself or place more demands on myself than I know I can meet.
P.S. For a look at how I fared last week check out my updated post for Week 06
I was right, there’s no way I can make it into work today and no reason that I should. This sore throat has gotten really bad and if I don’t get better tomorrow there is a real chance I won’t get to start my new medication tomorrow.
I’m still hopeful since I don’t have a fever but, like I said, this medication is new and I don’t know exactly how it works. I also don’t know how it’ll make me feel. I’m worried even if I do go ahead with the infusion I’ll only compound my pain.
But I can;t worry about that right now. I can’t do anything at all right now, but rest. Eat, sleep, take medication, drink water, and sleep some more, that’s all I have on my to-do list for today, and for the foreseeable future.
Hello, happy Sunday, and thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.
I was up before the sun this morning starting my preparations for the day, and for the rest of the week. Today is “family day”. That means I won’t have much time during the afternoon to do my usual Sunday things so I’m shifting everything either earlier to this morning or putting it off until later this evening. So, half the laundry is done and half the house cleaning too. Half the errands are run and half the reading, writing, and resting I’d planned is past too.
Now, please, pull up a chair and grab yourself a cup. The temperature outside has plummeted since yesterday and snow is forecasted to fall through the morning. I’ve got blond roast ground steeping in the French press and creamy vanilla oat milk to temper and smooth it out. Let’s talk about last week.
“Life isn’t sugarcoated. Why should coffee be?”
― Tommy Wallach, Thanks for the Trouble
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this past week was as physically draining as the last but not as bad as I worried it would be. The new class of employees started but there were less of them than we expected and we even lost a couple along the way. I’m down to just 7 now, a very manageable number and being given plenty of time to work with them for as long as I need to get them through. That takes a lot of pressure off of my mind and allows me not only to focus solely on doing the best job I can but to enjoy what I do too.
By far the worst part of the week wasn’t work, or people, or any other of life’s little everyday stresses. Instead, it was the weather that got me down. After weeks of mild and dry weather in January I got my hopes up that the weather in February would only get more and more spring like but reality has hit and hit hard. Last week alone we saw more days of snowfall than not. On Tuesday most school districts, including the one I work for went on a “delayed schedule” and on Friday we shut down entirely for a snow day.
It was nice to have the day off but I couldn’t help worrying too about how the schedule I’d put together was now in shambles. Every thing will have to be moved up a day at least and with a new class starting just after this one I’m worried about overlap. There is only so much I can juggle and still be expected to do my job well.
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that though I was not a fan of the snow, I welcomed the extra day off from work. I spent much of it on the couch resting since I felt the beginnings of another throat infection coming on.
I’ve had a sore throat off and on for a week or two now but Friday morning I woke up and I knew it was full-blown. I’m having trouble swallowing and everything feels very raw and dry. I’m worried about losing my voice which seems to be the natural course of this particular strain of nastiness according if I’m judging by the coworkers who caught it before me.
So, I spent all of Saturday on the couch drinking cups of hot lemon water and honey some with whiskey added, some without. The soreness gets so bad that even breathing can feel like sandpaper against the back of my throat. Cough drops help but my stomach doesn’t like them. It’d be easier to limit myself if the ones my wife brought home didn’t taste like candy.
By Sunday I was feeling better, or I was faking it if I wasn’t. We’ve been holding onto tickets to a Colorado Ballet performance of Peter Pan for months now and I wasn’t going to let a little throat infection get in the way. We woke up early to get ready and went downtown to our favorite brunch place for live jazz and whole bottle mimosas. After brunch we walked over for the show. It was the last day of the season but there were a surprising amount of people, and children, there.
The show was wonderful. One of the best I’ve seen before so far, topped only by their Dracula and perhaps The Wizard of Oz performances from last season.
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that though I had a hard work week, I did manage to make a lot of time for reading. I finished both Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel García Márquez and Traffic by John Ruskin.
Love in the Time of Cholera was just okay. I loved the writing but hated almost all of the characters, just as I did with One Hundred Years of Solitude. I’m also not fond of the way Márquez includes abuse of women and children throughout his stories that don’t seem to at least further the plot or add to the story. It’s painful to read even through his brilliant and beautiful prose and I will say that knowing what I know now of the story and the ending I probably never would have picked it up. I’m working on a proper review with all the details now.
Traffic was much better but I can see that if someone wasn’t in the right mood or sympathetic to certain liberal ideas, this little book might bore them to tears. I, a stanch bleeding heart liberal, just happened to be in the right mood for a couple of essays on the evils of the wealth and greed.
Of course it wasn’t much a writing week, but it was better than the week before. I’m catching up on my journal excerpts and posts here and working on staying ahead of my regular posting schedule. Obviously I need to work out a new way of writing around my work schedule. These long hours won’t be ending anytime soon and I can’t keep counting on “next week, next week…”. I’m going to have to do more than make time. I’m going to have to demand it.
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this coming week is going to be just like the last, and the week before, and the next one to come. I have this class through the rest of this week and another class starting just on the heels of it next week too. The work is hard but it’s rewarding and my pay check has never looked better so I’m okay for now.
I will have a short break. Tuesday is my first appointment at the infusion center for my new medication. I’m very nervous about it. I’m more than nervous. I’m a little scared too. My wife will be there with me though to make sure I’m safe and supported. I’m sure I will be fine but since I don’t know that for sure I took the whole day off of work to rest afterward.
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the sun has gone down and my sore throat has turned into a persistent cough. If I want to have any hope of making it in to work tomorrow, I should get to bed soon. As it is, I’ll be on the couch—I want to give my wife a chance at a good night’s sleep too—which is always an uncomfortable place to sleep, but a dose of nighttime medicine should get me through.
I hope you had a good week. I hope you are well, that you’ve been able to dodge the flu, strep, and all kinds of upper respiratory and ear infections. I hope you are warm. I hope the snow isn’t piling up too high and that somewhere in your bones you can still feel the eventual approach of spring.
It’s snowing, again. I wish I were spending the day inside and cozy but after missing family day for two weekend’s in a row, I can’t handle the guilt of staying home for a third. So I’m drinking copious amounts of coffee, popping a couple of tylenol, and opening a fresh bag of cough drops to hopefully make it through the day without too much discomfort.
The coffee and tylenol helped. I made it through with enthusiasm and energy but now that I am back home I have nothing left. I can’t fight the fatigue and I can’t fight this cold. I feel worse than even and have doubts about whether I’ll make it in to wirk tomorrow.
I have doubts about whether I’ll be able to go through with my infusion on Tuesday with this infection and I’m worried about what that will mean for the treatment going forward. There’s already a waiting list for this medication and I can’t risk coming off of the steroids without a adding something new to maintain the remission I’ve managed to recapture.
Of course worrying, at best, does no good, and at worse, causes only more harm. I have to focus on the choices I have and the things I control. I control my rest, my fluids, and my medication. That is the only path to getting well that I have.
I’m feeling a little better than yesterday, or pretending to even if I don’t because today we’re going out to brunch and the to the ballet. I’ve been looking forward to this for months now and there is no way I’m going to miss it or allow a little cold to get in the way of good food, a few glasses of mimosas, live music, or the anticipation of another wonderful performance from the Colorado Ballet.
The whole day was absolutely perfect! Brunch was great as always. We’ve been to that place many, many times and the customer service, the food, and the music never disappoint.
The ballet was as good as I hoped it would be. There were a lot of kids there, of course, and I wondered if I might have enjoyed the performance even more if I’d a child of my own to share it with. I can’t know but I did remind myself that there is a child that still exists in me and I during the performance I allowed her to come forward to enjoy the story alongside this adult version of me. I allowed myself to relax into wonder and awe and joy.
I love that I can give that child all these things she never had a chance to experience in her time. I love that I can be a parent to myself now.
Well, I was 100% wrong about today. It snowed so much overnight and it’s forecasted to snow so much over the course of the day that every school district in the metro area is closed today. So I’m home for my 3rd snow day of the season and wondering if the year will have to be extended as we move further into February and March, our snowiest time of year and more and more and more snow days are called as the storms get worse and worse.
I was also wrong about this cold being all in my head. I woke up with a sore and swollen throat and a generally miserable feeling all over my body. I hope this will be the worst of it. I can deal with a sore throat but coping with a stuffy nose or a cough is so much harder. So, the snow day was a blessing on more than one front and I plan to spend it on the couch reading and resting up. This weekend is going to be an exciting one and I don’t want a second of it ruined over a something as small as a sore throat.
Get well. So far this winter I have had an upper respiratory infection, an ear infection, and I’m now on my second throat infection that I fear is leading to another ear infection too. I regret not getting a flu shot this year and live in fear every day of contracting it or the equally nasty streptococcal pharyngitis. I have to work harder to get well and stay well. I will take my medications and supplements religiously, disinfect surfaces around me, and wash my hands more often.
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Get reacquainted with my to-do list. I’ve been struggling to complete tasks for weeks now and I know it’s because I have failed to even glance at my to-do list in weeks. I had tried to move the list from analog scraps of paper to a list in my Google calendar but the benefit of paper was being able to keep the list in front of me at all times. THis week I would like to get back to that and create a hybrid system of keeping a master list online and a physical daily list in hand.
Lisa Marie Blair 