Goals // Week 52

This week is the last full week of 2019, the week of Christmas and the first of my winter break. I have to work some, but the work will be light and relatively free from stress or frustration. I’ll also have a lot of time I get to claim for myself and I do not want to waste any of it. This week is practice for the new year and a chance to wrap up the last through reflection and resolution.

This week I will:

Finish my resume! If nothing else gets done at all over the next two weeks but this, I will count my time well spent and my winter break a success. I have enough on my plate worrying and preparing over interviews; I don’t want to worry about (or fail miserably over) something as simple as updating dates and duties in a document. The fact is, I am just terrified of change and this small task signals big changes to come, but the change is good and I have more than earned it.

Update: I did it and it looks great. I was afraid that when I was done there would be embarrassingly little to show for all my years with the same company and with very liitle change to my position but it turns out I have done, and still do, so much. I’m proud of all of it and happy to see it laid out in black and white finally.

 Schedule every hour for the next week and then stick to the schedule. This is early practice for my one New Year’s resolution: To be mindful of how I spend my days, and thus, how I spend my life. I’m simply using Google calendar to start and mapping out everything I need to do from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed. I’m tired of losing time. I’m tired of looking back on the day and having nothing to show. I want a record, a reminder, a place to be accountable.

Update: I made it as far as Wednesday and then the whole thing fell apart. I should have just sat down and adjust and edited what I had after that but I felt like a failure and so ended up avoiding the whole thing. This can’t happen again though. Mistakes are okay, but given up in unacceptable.

Start an early morning workout, nothing too strenuous. I won’t begin until after the holiday, or until I am feeling a little better, so this goal only counts for Thursday and Friday at the least. I have been pledging all year to start a workout regimen and have failed miserably week after week but now that I am scheduling my time and getting used to getting up early even on my days off; I think an easy 20 minute work out before breakfast and a shower is a good place to start.

Update: I have it all written out, but I only completed one day. I think I need more time in the mornings than I have been giving myself and a space that makes me feel more comfortable. I’ve moved the weights back into the “creativity room”, put up the pull-up bar, and brought up a yoga mat too. Next week I there will be no excuse.

Make time for my plants and pets. The dog has been cooped up, he snakes are being neglected, and my plants are all looking a little limp and brown around the edges. Only the cat is thriving in this newfound independence my chronic illness has given them but even she wishes her litter box was cleaned a little more often. I haven’t been feeling well but they need me too and I have to stop being so selfish with all of my good hours.

Update: I wish the weather had been warmer to walk the dog in but she did get lots of cuddle time, a trip to the pet store, new toys, and treats. The cat is sleeping with me again and the snakes all got fresh clean substrate, nice big meals, and new hides to burrow in. All the plants were watered, pruned, and moved to more favorable lighting conditions as needed.

Post my end-of-year reflections and my beginning of year intentions and goals. I have them drafted but deciding what you want a whole year to look like before it’s even begun is a daunting task. I have no idea what kind of year 2020 will be or what kind of person I will be in it. I also know that whatever I say now will change within 3 months and be completely forgotten by August, anyway. Still, if I want to be more deliberate in my life, I have to try.

Update: I was simple a week too early. This goal was meant for Week 01, not week 52. Still, I did write the posts, mostly, and plan to share them on the days they are meant to go out. If I do it, I will come back and update this post to reflect that.

Enjoy my holiday! I’ve never been a big fan of Christmas or New Year’s. I’ve never liked winter and I’ve never taken much time off during the break. This year isn’t really an exception but I would like to make a little more of an effort. I’d like to look for the good, to see the bright lights, to eat good food, to feel warm and cheerful. It was a good year. I am surrounded by love and support, and looking forward to so many good things. I’d like to celebrate that too.

Update: Christmas was delightful! All my gifts made it to their intended destinations and recipients. I received some pretty neat things in exchange. There was plenty of good food, plenty to drink, plenty of laughter, and I was surrounded by so much warmth and love. I enjoyed every second, and I am relieved beyond words that it’s finally over.

This week I won’t let myself get too down. My health is weighing on my mind and weighing down my body but if I put rest first, eat what I know is good for me, keep a positive outlook, and allow myself to feel pride in accomplishing what I can rather than dwelling on what I can’t I know I can keep on putting one foot in front of the other though to the week’s end.

P.S. For a look at how I fared last week check out my updated post for Week 51.

Photo by Katie Doherty on Unsplash

If We Were Having Coffee // From Well To Worrying

Hello and happy Sunday! Thanks for stopping by for a bit of catching up over a delicious cup of coffee.

Today feels more like a Saturday in early September than a Sunday in late December. The cold and clouds have given way to sunshine and far milder temperatures than the seasonal average. I’m too tired to get out and enjoy it but I’ve opened windows all over the house to let the warm air in. Despite my fatigue, I’m feeling cheerful too. My winter break away from work starts tomorrow so I don’t feel the usual panic at the approaching work week. There is less to do, more time to do it in, a rare gift for a Sunday. I’m soaking it up, taking advantage of it, and daring to enjoy every minute.

So, please, pull up a chair and grab yourself a cup. It’s so warm I almost wish I had a carafe of cold brew steeping in the fridge for us but at I have a fresh bag of blond roast on hand and the French press warmed and ready to go. I have coconut milk on hand if you’d rather something lighter still than the vanilla soy. Let’s talk about last week!

“Nothing is equal to the smell of good coffee when one is real tired.”

― Albany Ledger, Missouri, September 9, 1898

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that my health continues to bounce wildly from well to worrying day by day. This was the first time I had to miss two days in a workweek and I felt incredibly guilty about it, especially because I knew it was the week before the district closes for the holidays. It’s one of the times of the year we need people to show up the most.

Every day I am grateful to have a job where I can take a day to rest when I need to which only makes me feel even more guilty somehow. The only thing getting me through this is knowing that eventually, I will be healthy again and back to my old productive and dedicated self. No matter what this is just for now, not forever.

I have a phone appointment with my doctor tomorrow to talk about how I am doing. Last week I got a message from her advising me to go back to a higher dose of steroids and to stay on it for the next few weeks to give my body a better chance to heal and my maintenance medication a better chance of working again. As much as I hate the long-term side effects of the steroids I was relieved to get her recommendation. I can’t deny how much better they make me feel and I am desperate for any improvement to my quality of life right now.

Tomorrow will probably just be another check-in and an evaluation of the severity of my symptoms. The overall theme is that I am improving just so much slower than I have in the past. I’d like to know what we will do if the maintenance medication I am on fails again to keep me in remission and I may even broach the subject of surgery, or perhaps I’ll save that for a future conversation. She’s already asked through email that I make another phone appointment in two weeks’ time.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that though I missed two of my five work weeks I still felt the stress of it. I didn’t have a lot on my plate but all around me I could see nothing but chaos and burnout. I spent most of my work hours hiding from the rest of the staff and making a show of being absorbed in my own work just to keep from getting sucked up in the emotional frenzy.

There was some good news too though. I found out that my district is sending me to a large 5-day conference in Texas on transporting students with special needs next March! This conference happens every year and every year I hope I’ll be among the lucky few asked to go but my low position in the office hierarchy has always prevented me from being selected. But this year things have changed. My job duties have expanded and I am working hard toward a promotion. This year I’ve made my value impossible to ignore.

In addition, though my wife now works for a much smaller district nearby there is a chance they may send her as well. We both will get to go down there, stay together, and get not just a bit of a vacation but a chance to learn something new, network, and further our professional development.

I’m excited and proud of us both! I love that we both take our jobs so seriously and that though our work might be quite niche and unimportant to the general public we both play our own vital roles in the lives of the children in our community.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that though there was disorder and flared tempers all around me I was able to find moments of peace and quiet to get a little reading done and make some new cut out poems. I used my days off started back up using Khan Academy for learning all the math I missed in high school and returning my little Spanish lessons on Duolingo. I’m just trying to keep my mind active or at least use my phone for something more useful rather than downloading games and losing hours on social media when I’m bored.

It wasn’t a very good writing week, but that’s ok. With the unpredictability of my health and the near-constant fatigue clouding my mind and hampering my productivity I didn’t think it would be. I’m taking it easy and working out a schedule and getting my ideas down onto paper and into the drafts folder. I’m still working on using “Bradbury lists” and word association to get the wheels turning. It’s working but there’s not been anything worth sharing yet. I’m hoping to begin 2020 with a more rigorous schedule and produce pieces that thought they may not be good are at least finished.

From now through the end of the year I plan to just keep on doing what I have been, plugging away little by little. I do have to work for a few of those days and make time to see my family for the holiday but outside of that, I’d like to make more time for writing. Even on my days off I have been getting up early and spending an hour at least in the “creativity room”. I’m not always focused though but with practice, I know it will get easier.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I can hardly believe that Christmas is just a few short days away! I’ve never been a big fan of Christmas, nor of the holiday season as a whole, so it isn’t like I’ve been counting down or anxiously awaiting the day. I get why others might enjoy it but for me, every aspect is only another kind of stress. The shopping, planning time with family, cooking, even receiving gifts stresses me out! What I’m looking forward to most of all is waking up early on December 26th and knowing I am the furthest away from the next Christmas and possible.

I know that may sound cynical and sad but I promise that my dislike of the season does not stem from a place of bitterness or anger. I’d simply rather stay home because it’s cold and because I’m tired and I’d rather us all save our money or buy ourselves exactly what we want instead. I think I’d be able to slip more easily into the Christmas spirit is the holidays were held over the summer. Can you imagine a warm Christmas dinner out on the patio or a Thanksgiving spent around a campfire? That’s the kind of holiday that would cheer me.

At least this year the weather will be well above freezing and by all forecasts free from snow. This will probably be one of the most summer-like Christmases I’ve ever experienced. I can say I’m happy about that but the rest of it still feels overwhelming and unnecessary.

I’m proud of myself for not avoid and procrastinating this year the way I usually do. My wife and I were able to get all of our shopping done and we were even able to ship packages to our out-of-state loved ones in just enough time to surprise them all on Christmas day. This year our plan is to spend Christmas Eve with my wife’s family and Christmas morning with mine. For dinner, it will be just the two of us, my preferred way to spend all my holidays if I could. I’m still working out the details of our meal.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this chat lasted a lot longer than I thought it would. The sun has gone down, and the coffee has long run out. I can feel my discomfort and fatigue returning and I know it will be another early night for me.

I hope you had a good week. I hope you have had a stress free shopping season and that you feel surrounded by love and warmth this holiday season. I hope you don’t overdo it too much, that you get something nice from someone who cares for you, and that you make time to care for yourself too.

Until next time.

Rollin’ Stone // Kyle Lux

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up.

Photo by Tyler Nix on Unsplash

Today the exact opposite of yesterday.

I felt good yesterday, like myself. I had energy, optimism, and willingness to get things done but, of course, I can’t help over exerting myself the moment I get a drop of energy or feel a single second of relief from my symptoms.

Mentally I’m doing okay. I woke up in a good mood. I woke up with wants and plans and big ideas about how the day would go but none if it is coming to anything real. I’m stuck on the couch, stuck on the heating pad, stuck in this body and I have a feeling the body will soon drag the mind down too. It’s getting harder to concentrate and to not simply let myself sleep because it’s easier.

355 // Brunch

Today was a good day. My wife and I met some friends at new place for brunch where we ate too much, drank too much, and laughed until our sides hurt. The weather was gorgeous. It was like we were back in September again enjoying the first signs of fall. We left the restaurant giddy and giggling and explored some shops nearby. Until it was time for my wife and I to leave the group and finish our Christmas shopping closer to home.

Of course I never can shop for others without getting a little something for myself. THe local plant and lawn care was having a sale, so I got some evergreen candles, a few new air plants for, and a small white hypoestes phyllostachya for my now vacant terrarium.

I felt good for probably 80% of the day which is a significant increase from just last week where I was happy to get just 50-60%. I’m looking forward to days when I can say I feel great and can be present and useful 100% of the time.

For now, we are home and the truth is I overdid it both last night and today. I’m so exhausted I’m in a bad mood and all my pains are slowly returning. My stomach, my head, my hips and back, all hurt and there isn’t much I can do but put myself to bed but I loath to do it. I hate how much I need to sleep as much as all my other symptoms. I hate missing out on life. So, I’ll do what I know I shouldn’t and wrestle another hour or two from the day.

I know, I know, but I can’t bear to give up any more of my life to chronic illness right now.

The Week’s End // A Thought-Provoking Round-Up

Happy Saturday everyone! If you’re looking for some interesting things to read or watch while you kick back and relax, look no further, here are my favorite things from around the web this week:

1. “A wealth tax is a tax on accumulated fortunes, not on [the income of] people that are going out and working every day. It’s time for us to look at those fortunes and think about the kind of country we want to be. Do we think it’s more important to keep [the people who own] those fortunes from paying two cents on the dollar or to have the money to invest in an entire generation?” — Elizabeth Warren Interview // Rolling Stone

2. “On the way we talk about ‘the economy,’ as if it were a natural force, he elaborates: ‘People make it sound like it’s some monster living in the woods that you have to make sacrifices to, but the economy is just us. How am I doing? That’s how the economy is really doing.’” — Forgive Us Our Debts // Buzzfeed

3. “Death is like painting rather than like sculpture, because it’s seen from only one side. Monochrome—like the mausoleum-gray former Berlin Wall, which kids in West Berlin glamorized with graffiti. What I’m trying to do here.” — The Art of Dying // The New Yorker

4. “Our job was to step out of the closet and become warriors and demand equality. Now that they see us as human beings, I think it really brought a lot of people over to our side.” — How gay marriage won America // Vox

5. “Every three or four months or so she’d see something that she just couldn’t stand. Something that made her feel utterly disgusted and terrified. Sometimes it was cracks, but other times it was patterns of holes or dots, or scenes from underwater nature programmes showing things like groups of barnacles. She’d shake, pour with sweat and end up lying on the floor in tears.” — Why Do Holes Horrify Me? // The Good Men Project

6. “After a year of removing terrorism and child abuse from Google’s services, she suffered from anxiety and frequent panic attacks. She had trouble interacting with children without crying. A psychiatrist diagnosed her with post-traumatic stress disorder. She still struggles with it today.” — The Terror Queue // The Verge

7. “Building a counternarrative, then, necessitates not simply making visible ‘a problem,’ but beginning where most master narratives retreat: the margins. For Hartman and Dunbar, marginalia become the center: so-called minor figures become the key players, witnesses, and protagonists.” — A Black Counternarrative // Public Books

8. “When illusionists argue that what we experience as qualia are ‘nothing like’ our actual internal mental mechanisms, they are, in a sense, right. But they also seem to forget that everything we perceive about the outside world is a representation and not the thing-in-itself.” — Consciousness is Real // Aeon

9. “The winter is a season in waiting. Waiting for the sun to melt what’s frozen. To grow what is buried. To reveal life’s own determination for itself. And so we wait, in the tenebrous space. Not because the darkness is a punishment but because darkness is the promise of light.” — It’s Not The Dark’s Fault We’re Afraid // Free People Blog

10. “In 2009, Folgers released a commercial meant to be a modern reimagining of their classic ad ‘Peter Comes Home For Christmas.’ Little did they know, it would become a classic of its own—for a very different reason.” — “You’re My Present This Year”: An Oral History of the Folgers Incest Ad // GQ

Have you read, watched, written, or posted an interesting or inspiring thing this week? Has something on the internet made you feel strongly, think deeply, or see the world in a new light? If so, drop a link in the comments, we’d love to check it out!

Photo by Roman Kraft on Unsplash

Today did not start out as well as yesterday but it’s all my own fault. I didn’t stick to my dietary restrictions and paid the price all night. I was up early all right but unable to be productive or even useful. So, I opted to start my winter break a little early and stay home to rest and think about how I can better learn to control my cravings and do what is best for me in the long run rather than what is satisfying right now.

I feel very guilty about it though. I hate to call in on either Mondays or Fridays. I know that’s when I am needed most. At the same time I have a suspicion that I am overestimating my value and the more likely I’m neither missed nor missing much at all.

The day spent updating my Ko-fi page and tweaking the look of Zen and Pi but very little in the way of real writing got done. I tried to pull a few words out of myself but my mind is a wasteland and there isn’t much more it’s good for now than dragging around the lethargic meat bag I’m calling a body these days. I’m being dramatic, I know. Maybe I’ll go and let myself succumb to what my body is so desperately telling me it needs: a good long nap.

I’ve had a good sleep and I’m feeling better, more energized, more myself. I’m meeting my wife and her coworkers for drinks and afterward we’re seeing Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. I’ve been looking forward to this for a month now and I won’t let a little chronic illness or a poor attitude get in the way of enjoying it. Time to snap out of it.

I got an early start this morning thanks to discomfort and chronic illness. I decided rather than letting it get the best of me, to keep me in bed or to keep me down, to let it bring out my best. I figured if I wasn’t going to get any more sleep anyway I might as well get a move on, right?

I think I may start my mornings this way for a long while. Just having an extra 30 minutes meant I was able to slow my pace and make room to eat early, sit with a heating pad, and enjoy my shower and those few small changes made a huge difference in the day. My body may be falling apart but emotionally I’m doing better than I have all week.

Part of the positive perspective might come from the act of fighting through every day rather than despite it. Getting up daily, beating what you thought was your best, and even retreating strategically when necessary all feel like wins and looking at life from that angle, lately, I’ve been rather triumphant.

So, while yesterday was a day of rest and processing, today is a day of doing what I can while I can. I’m back up to higher doses of steroids and taking full advantage of the positive side effects. I’m even adding a half a cup of coffee to boost concentration. I’m catching up at work and making progress on the end of the year blog post drafts I started on Tuesday. I’m looking forward to the evening when I will be back home with my wife and with, for the first time this week, nowhere else I have to be.