Statuses

My living room is looking a little chaotic right now. My wife and I started a new “weekend project” that I have a feeling is going to take a lot longer than a couple of days: replace our very old and very broken evaporative cooler with a small “through the wall” air conditioning unit.

We got the old swamp cooler out, but it was a lot harder than we thought and required calling in help. Of course once it was out we learned it had never been properly installed in the wall and found a bit of mold had been growing in the wall as a result. We also found out that the new sleeve is too big and the new unit doesn’t exactly match. We’re going to have to cut a larger hole, build a frame, and make some adjustments to the installation instructions to make the unit fit. We’ve got to make it work, though. Wish us luck.

I’d hoped for more time to write, but this is so important. We cannot, we will not, spend another miserable summer roasting in our own home. I have a feeling between this and my upcoming work schedule, my writing projects will (once again) have to be put off. I’m not doing nothing though. I’ve been forming ideas and jotting down what I hope will be seeds of future pieces.

We’re living in a very inspiring time and right now I have a chance to pursue new ideas and ways of thinking and seeing from so many thinkers, speakers, writers, activists, and causes before I settle down to focus on one idea at a time. It feels right to focus on input over output right now and there is so much being offered for free right now. Here’s a short list I’ve put together:

• Stamped from the Beginning by Ibram X. Kendi on Spotify.
• Free Racialized Trauma Course from Resmaa Menakem
• Who Do You Serve, Who Do You Protect? ebook from Haymarket Books
• The End of Policing by Alex S. Vitale ebook from Verso Books

I’m compiling a longer TBR list of books by authors of color to follow and being mindful of who I follow on social media. I’m seeking people and ideas that inspire me to think, write, and act. There is nothing more important in the world than the change I know we can affect right now and it has to start inside each of us. I’m already so different from the version of myself that began this year, we all are, and rather than lament it I’m leaning in. I may very well be unrecognizable by year’s end.

I’m back at my usual location and time at work. It’s another easy day but I’m anxious both about my classes next week and about the changes that are happening and the uncertainty beyond them. I had a plan for how to distribute my time and energy between work and outside of work but slowly my superiors are make changes and there is a steady increase of hours and responsibilities and it’s getting harder and harder to establish balance.

I’m also tense because of the continued protests. I support the protests of course and I even go so far as supporting the call to defund and disband police departments but I work in a place where opinions are very different and though I haven’t heard anything I have found offensive I spend much of the day bracing myself for the possibility.

On top of that I have my own anger, and grief, and guilt, and helplessness. I can’t unsee that video of George Floyd’s death, not that I want to. That video, though disturbing and distressing, made me aware of how little I have done for my part against police brutality and all the structural obstacles and bias that leads and feeds it. I can’t stop thinking about it.

Part of it is not knowing my own small place in all of this. I know what I believe but I don’t know what I can claim. I know the work is mine to do but I don’t know where to begin. I have so much I’d like to say but I feel reluctant to speak up in fear that my voice is not welcome. My own history around race is charged and confusing and even if I can’t affect change in others I feel more motivated than ever to at least unpack the way the racist history of this country has made its impact on me.

Perhaps that small contribution can be part of the collective healing too.

Today I am grateful for:

1. The week’s end. Going to work every day again is taking a great toll on my mental well-being and I need some time away to recharge in peace at home and with my wife. I’m looking forward to not talking, to not thinking, to not worrying, and to not wearing a mask for a day or two at least

I’m out working at a different location today, observing a coworker teach the same CPR course I’ll be teaching beginning late next week. I’ll have the opportunity to watch this class four times before it will be my turn and I’m so grateful for the opportunity. Nothing helps my anxiety like being able to ease into a task or change. I already feel so much more confident.

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Observing someone else teach class was very informative. I have a much better grasp of the flow and just have to get down the routine of videos, discussion questions, practices, testing, and breaks. Right now things are a little different than they would normally look because of the coronavirus. We’re not doing mouth-to-mouth directly on the mannequins but instead using masks and we are forgoing some of the optional First Aid practice items to maintain at least 6 feet of distance between employees.

It’s easy enough though and I’m looking forward next week when I teach my first classes under observation and finally become a full fledged instructor myself.

The rest of the day was rather dull. I spent my free time consuming the news, watching videos of protests and further police brutality, and trying to catch up on the sweeping and swift cultural and legal changes happening all over the country. Just here in Colorado, a police reform bill has been introduced and Denver Public Schools has ended their partnership with the police.

Seeing these big changes happen gives me hope and I’m excited by the momentum and the possibilities. My faith in humanity has been somewhat restored though I have deep fears about the growing backlash. They don’t have the numbers but they have always had the people at the top and a disturbing willingness to resort to cruelty. I hope everyone stays safe and hearts turn toward the light faster than they are consumed by the dark.

Today was an easy enough day. I still have next week on my mind so its hard to stay mindful and in the moment. I’m very nervouse and it’s hard to think of anything else or find anything else important in the wake of such anxiety. I’m trying hard to rememeber what I learned all those months ago in my CPR instructor course and to mentally prepare some points and anecdotes for my first classes next week.

I did manage to stay busy at least and by the time I got home I was as exhausted as usual. After lunch I lost my daily battle with fatigue and spent the early afternoon sleeping off the morning. I regret it of course. There was so much I wanted to do instead and so much to get ready for tomorrow and now I have to rush through or put off all of it.

I’m struggling to be firm with myself, to be and stay mindful about how I’m spending my time, and to keep my goals in the front of my mind. It’s been difficult to put distance between my cravings and immediate needs and wants so that I can have some choice in how I spend my time. I keep hoping it will get easier but the moment I get used to one schedule and think I might be able to find the time, energy, adn focus to start working on my projects something changes: my hours increase, my responsibilities change, or my location is moved.

Everything, from my work schedule, to my health, to the stability of society, is still so uncertain and that makes planning for the future and meeting my goals hard. It makes being enthusiastic, curious, and imaginative impossible. I suspect I either have to lean into it or shut myself off and protect my mental space more fiercely.

Work was as exhausting as ever. Nothing big or bad happened. No one bothered me or expected too much. No one was unfriendly or inconsiderate. I was just tired and longing for the days when I spent all my time doing whatever I wanted rather than what I had too. Still, it’s nice to see people I have missed and to know I have been missed too. It’s nice to have people ask after me, after my wife and my loved ones, and for me to hear that though I work for such a large district very few of us have been impacted by the coronavirus.

I made sure to take some time to put my headphones in and escape the best I could when I needed too. I’m encouraged by hearing so many of my favorite podcasters and commentators express support for the protests happening all over the country. I’m happy to hear so many make the distinction between the protestors and the looters and to call out the police wherever they incite the very violence they condemn. I’m hearing more of that talk creep into major news network reporting and I can feel this time that something significant is very different. It gives me hope.

Around midday I received news I would be teaching my first CPR and First Aid classes next week. I’m extremely anxious, it’s been a few months since I took my instructor class and I’m afraid I have forgotten everything they taught me, but I’m doing my best to breathe and to trust in my skills. Luckily I get to watch two on my counterparts teach for their first time before I do and can learn from their mistakes before I make the same.

This evening is my first “No TV Tuesday”. It isn’t strictly “no TV” since I still watch a show with my wife over dinner, but since then I’ve been in the creativity room. I haven’t been particularly productive but that wasn’t the goal tonight anyway. I only meant to make sure I could turn it off and commit to keeping it off all night. I spent some time sharing journal posts I hadn’t finished and drafting a few pieces I plan to write and in the coming weeks but social media got in the way of any more than that. I think next week I’ll need to put both my phone and brower into “focus mode”.

And now, as twilight drops and the cool breezes are begining to blow through the open windows I’m off to find a more comfortable place to try do some reading and not watch another episode of Avatar: The Last Airbender before bed. I downloaded two new ebooks I found for free today: Who Do You Serve, Who Do You Protect? from Haymarket Books and The End of Policing by Alex S. Vitale at Verso books.

Stay safe everyone.

This Monday is turning out to be a rather quiet one. I think the tension on the news and around the city has trickled down into through our everyday routine and leaked between the individual relationships. We’re all on edge. It’s as if each of us is carrying a great weight or as if we full of emotion and trying to avoid exploding so we are avoiding one another.

This morning my wife brought up the idea of us joining the protests. I want to very much but, if I’m honest, I’m afraid. The rubber bullets, the tear gas (and my wife’s asthma), the police brutality, the fact that we are both women, the coronavirus, it all makes me want to stay inside where it’s safe but there are so many who are never safe and who need us to use our privilege, to speak up, and to show support. I think we’ll get there in the next few days.

For now, we’ve decided to pick some bail funds and charities to send donations to. If I can’t offer my time and presence I at the very least should offer my money.

Off subject, my results came back from the antibody test I did last week. I tested negative, but they stress that the test can be inaccurate. I weirdly feel disappointed. I had hoped for the best-case scenario: having been an asymptomatic carrier with possible immunity now. My wife is looking to do a test too, and it turns out the same company is offering testing to the general public nearby and as soon as my own insurance company offers the test I will take it again. Even if it offers me no peace of mind, it contributes to the public health data analysis.