Lisa Marie Blair

There is a strange disconnect today between my mind and my body, my being and time. Physically I feel better, more rested, calm, and focus than I have in weeks, but mentally I’m gloomy, pessimistic, irritable, and avoidant.

My body is walking through the world getting things done and dragging my resistant my mind every step of the way. I’ve been productive, but I’m longing for the comfort of a warm bed and the peace and quiet of deep sleep.

The path toward Friday, though clearer than last week, still appears incredibly long and arduous from here. I’m ready to give up before I have begun, and I’m preemptively disappointed in myself for just the impulse alone.

How do you fight such a big and sinking feeling like this? How do you pull yourself out of a darkness that has no reason or source? I’ve been leaning on the lessons I glean from my guided morning meditation session, and the thing I hear repeated is that resistance only leads to more unhappiness. The best thing is to let the thoughts and emotions come as they will and let them go when they are ready.

Underneath it all, I really am ecstatic to see some small improvements and increase in energy, I just can’t seem to bring the emotion to the surface. Perhaps it’s because it’s Monday. Perhaps it’s hormonal. Perhaps it’s simple burn out. I don’t know, but today is what it is, but I’m hopeful that with a little self care and patience, tomorrow will find me in better spirits.

I woke up this morning and my body was begging me, “Please, do not fight the world today. Please let us rest”. I heeded the plea and showed mercy to myself for the first time this week. I could have fought tooth and nail through the day and dragged my exhausted body to the evening, but I simply didn’t want to. I simply shouldn’t have to.

So, I stayed in and rested. I spent the day doing little more than sleeping and scrolling. I was utterly unproductive and I refuse to feel one second of guilt about it. And you know what? It turned out to be a good day in the end.

In the beginning, it wasn’t so much. All the rest in the world doesn’t seem to be touching the exhaustion I feel. My limbs are heavy and I’m not entirely sure it’s down to an entirely physical ailment. I have a feeling that depression is slowly creeping in.

I wallowed longer than probably I should have, but part of me knows I needed it. No one can keep their disappointment, grief, and pain at bay forever. Some days you just have to let your emotions take the reins.

When I felt the self-pity had run its course put on some music, took a long shower, and washed the negativity away. By the time my wife got home from work I was much more myself again, though still exhausted, still weighed down by my own worries and anxieties and all the uncertainties we all face while the world falls apart around us.

The worst part of living through “Covid Times” is having nothing but work and your private worries to fill your time with. The small joys I have been able to find do not always tip the scales enough. I miss so much of my life and I feel hopeless in the face of the bleak fall and winter I see rising over the horizon.

It’s been a rough morning and for a while there I wasn’t sure I was going to make it through. Before I could even make it out of the door, I wanted to abort the whole day. I wanted to crawl back into bed and try again tomorrow.

But today is a big day, and no matter how my body and mind might be feeling right now, things might change. Maybe, if I try hard enough, I can change them.

That’s the attitude I’m brining to the day. It’s my first time teaching Crisis Intervention and Prevention. I haven’t been certified even a week. I haven’t even had time to sift through my materials, organize my notes and ideas, or to find my bearings or flow but already my workplace is trying to get their money’s worth and that means I’ve got to think on my feet, bring my best attitude, knowledge, and experiences. I have to bring confidence and enthusiasm.

I’m exhausted, burned out, and already longing for the weekend, but underneath it all I am so happy and proud of myself. I muddle through the material and molded and made it all in my image of what this job should be. I did a good job instilling the principles and driving home the lessons. I not only made it through the day, but I came away with big lessons and plans to make the next time even better than this one.

Health wise things are still slowly, so agonizingly slowly, getting better, or maybe they are only getting easier to cope with. Either way, my quality of life feels better. I feel more like myself, though I’m beginning to recognize that these past few months of uncertainty, pain, and exhaustion have changed me in ways I know I have yet to recognize.

More than anything, today was all about gratitude. I have laughter, support, respect, acceptance, and so much understanding. There are so many ways to be rich in life and today I feel wealthy beyond measure. I only wish it was wealth I could share more freely and widely with the world. I hope you have at least some small sum of what I have for yourself. I hope you know all the ways you are rich too. I hope both our stores continue to grow and grow and grow and grow…..

I’ve had to step away from this place again. It’s been over a week since I posted here, though not necessarily since I’ve written one of these entries. I do my best to get down my thoughts and reflections every evening, but lately I’m so exhausted that by the time I get a paragraph or two out, my eyelids start dropping and the next thing I know I’m out.

Now those entries gather dust in the drafts folder. Maybe I’ll finish them up and send them out. Maybe not.

For no rhyme or reason whatsoever, today is different. My body is mostly cooperating, giving me more energy to spend on one or two things that I love.

So much has happened since I last updated you, I hardly know where to begin. Last we spoke I thought I had turned a corner and was on my way to finally healing. I was wrong, and very quickly after that I spiralled faster and farther than ever. I’ve met with my doctor since, received good news and bad news, a Plan A and a Plan B, and told to do a little more waiting and seeing but the end, for good or bad, is in sight.

I got through two full days of classes for a much-needed certification I needed to teach Crisis Prevention and Intervention at my workplace. I’m excited to finally have the language and tools to further embed my passion for empathy, safety, and restorative justice into my workplace culture. More than that, I’m excited to have a team on my side driven to do the same.

There has been high highs and some low lows, but today is just today and the past week or more, all the good and bad is all then and I’m practicing more of being in the now. Right now, I feel better. Right now, I feel good. Right now I am taking a moment to breathe, to speak, to reflect, and to stop and simply say, “hi”.