I spent the day getting ready for next week. Turns out I’m not going to have the week of rest and recuperation I thought I was going to have and that I know I so desperately need. I’m preparing paperwork and preparing myself emotionally too. If I’m honest it’s frustrating but at the same time it’s forcing me to focus on the time I have now and to do what makes me feel good today.
I’m reading a lot and I’m enjoying it for a change. Lately reading has been a chore, a race, a goal and milestone I have to achieve. I read to say I have been reading and not for the pure enjoyment of it. I’m keeping track of pages read and pushing myself to get through just 20 more, 10 more, 2 more and I can stop. It’s been a long time since I just got lost in the story. I want to get back to that again. I’m getting lost in a book today. No time limits, no page goals, just reading while it feels good and stopping when it no longer does.
Life is feeling somewhat back to normal today. My favorite coworkers are back, the class of new employees is being released, and for the next few days nothing “above and beyond” will be asked of me.
Everyone is sick and I’m a little scared of catching this flu or infection going around. Whatever it is it appears to be highly contagious. It escalates quickly and impacts the body severely. A lot of my coworkers look like zombies: pale, sluggish, and devoid of rationality. For my part I’m keeping the office clean, keeping my distance, and drinking Emergen-c religiously. The last thing I need right now is another nasty cold as I’m weaning off of one medication and about to begin another.
I am trying to write but I’m feeling stuck, passionless, and empty. The words won’t come and they are hidden so well I don’t even know in which direction to begin my search. No amount of promises or punishment is working and I’m already out of coffee so I’m giving up for now. I’ve written this, and that is better than nothing. Time to switch to reading. Love in the Time of Cholera is getting better and I’m excited to start Aphorisms on Love and Hate by Friedrich Nietzsche today. I should get through as many pages as I can while the enthusiasm lasts.
Yesterday I wondered over creating space between myself and the emotions and actions of others, I meant it metaphorically but today I am manifesting it literally. I’m staying home and enjoying some much wanted if not much needed time alone.
It’s not just that though. I’m having that heavy exhausted feeling again, that fatigue that gets into the bones and won’t leave no matter how much sleep you get or caffeine you guzzle. I’ve had to take two naps and make two carafes of coffee in the French press and I’m only just now feeling somewhat myself again.
I had hoped to spend the day half cleaning, half writing, but neither of those were possible in significant amounts. I did get a lot of reading done though, almost half my goal for the week already! I’m proud of that at least and that goes a long way (in addition to the rest) toward making me feel a little more prepared to return to the real world tomorrow.
This week is the last of the month and the last of this crazy work schedule I’ve been struggling through since mid-January. I expect things to die down by mid-week but it won’t last long, I hear. There is another new class of employee lined up and ready to to start training come the start of the new week so I’m determined to make the most of this lull in work while I can. It’ll be another two weeks or more before I can claim any real time for myself again.
This week I will:
Eat regular meals, on time, and take all of my medication. In order to avoid nausea, I have to spread my medication and supplements out throughout the day. That means more frequent meals, which are hard to remember let alone make time for during the chaotic workday, but I can’t make such excuses anymore. My health comes first! Bonus: No candy or sugary snacks!
Update: I did pretty good. I took almost all my medication and supplements on time and I didn’t miss any meals. I only wish I had been more mindful of what I was eating. Too many of the meals I ate weren’t as healthy as I wanted them to be. I gave in too often to cravings and ate what was easy when I was tired. Worse still I indulged almost daily in sweet treats from my boss’s office and ended the day with sluggishness and stomach aches.
Work out every other evening after work. As someone who suffers from anxiety, who struggles to get a good night’s sleep, and who it trying to lose a few pounds put on by this last round of steroids, exercise is very important. I may not feel much like it after a long day but that is the magic of moving your body it creates more motivation than it takes. All I have to do is start.
Update: I failed miserably for another week in a row. Obviously something isn’t working and I need to begin again more simply. I’m thinking of committing to shorter workouts or to simply moving my body more during commercials or once an hour while working. Everything counts.
Finish writing the last few book reviews I started. Of course the reviews are only for me but writing anything is good for honing your craft and good for developing a habit. It’s been a long time since I’ve written a real blog post and sharing what I learned, what I liked, and what I loathed might help boost my confidence and enthusiasm.
Update: I had every intention of finishing these but my schedule was altered abrubty and the time I thought I could devote to writing I had to reallocate to boring old work. Where I failed was not using the entire free day, I had to writing an instead putting it off thinking I could do it later. Writing is a daily practice and I need to treat it as such no matter how hard it is or how tired I am.
Make and share a new “found poem” on Instagram. I miss the peace and the satisfaction that come from creating things that exist outside of screens and the internet. I miss working with other people’s words and reworking them into new meaning, and, anyway, if I don’t something soon it’s going to get harder to justify the stacks of old magazines piling up to my wife.
Update: I made one, but I didn’t share it, but not because of fear or because I thought what I’d created wasn’t good enough but because I agonized over the placement of one line—whether it should be near the beginning or whether it should be near the end and which conveyed the meaning I meant better—and I could not come to a decision until 3:00 AM this morning. I’ll post this evening.
Read 100 pages of Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel García Márquez. I’ll have a whole lot more time to read this week than I have over the last two and if I don’t want to fall behind in my reading goal for the year than I need to take full advantage of it. Bonus: finish another book from the Penguin Little Black Classics box set.
Update: Yes! I finally hit my weekly reading goal, and some! I’m now just 65 pages from finishing. I also finished Aphorisms on Love and Hate by Friedrich Nietzsche, the 5th book in my Penguin Little Black Classics set. I’m now proudly sitting one book ahead of schedule for my my 2020 reading challenge.
Take a break. I take pride in being a good employee. I take pride in a job well done. I like knowing others can count on me. I like getting things done before anyone has to ask. I like being a team player, going above and beyond, and coming up with solutions, but all that pride can’t come at the expense of my peace of mind. I have to practice balance and I have to learn to step away, for just a moment, to breathe and be reminded of who I am outside of work.
Update: Oh, I took a break. I took a whole day in the middle of the work week all to myself. I didn’t use it as wisely as I wanted but I rested and needed that more than I needed to write or to read or create anything. I’m proud of myself for being strong enough to see past my unnecessary guilt to put myself first.
This week I will not let anyone make me feel bad for taking the time I need for me. At the same time, if I am going to set those boundaries I have to respect myself enough to keep the promises I make. I will not accept what I know is less than my best. This week is the start of showing my intentions with actions and not just words. I deserve better from, and for, me.
P.S. For a look at how I fared last week check out my updated post for Week 04.
Winter has returned today and we are seeing the first snowfall in nearly a month. It isn’t much, but it ended the chance of a rare “precipitation-less January”. I normally hate snow, I still hate snow, but having not seen it in so long and worried over why it’s been gone and what the consequences of its absence will be, makes this snow fall a little more welcome, peaceful, and beautiful than most.
It’s strange to have a Monday turn out better than the Friday that proceeded it but this week is definitely beginning on a better note than the last one ended. For one some of my favorite coworkers are back, and for two, I feel a lot more comfortable in my skin, a lot more secure, and a lot less anxious and afraid.
I’m still feeing very “burned-out” though but more and more I think it’s people and not my actual job duties that are pushing me over the edge. I have to find a way to maintain my inner peace even in the face of frustration, negativity, and sabotage. When I step back, I can see that none of the people who I’ve allowed to impact my mood have any real impact on my life, my duties, or my dreams, so why do they affect me so?
And how do I begin to establish a sense of space and time between the emotions of others and mine, the actions of others and mine?
Hello, happy Sunday, and thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.
Wake up every morning just before 5:00 AM like clockwork but after a late night of binge-watching The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina over a couple of drinks and too much dessert I found it hard to leave the bed and lost another 3 hours to sleep so fitful it wasn’t even worth it. Thank God for the invention of coffee, a drink that con correct for all those sleep probelms plaguing the modern world, right?
So, please, pull up a chair and grab yourself a cup. I’ve got the usual blond roast beans ground course for the french press and I’ve started addding a generous pour of sweet and silky vanilla oat milk over top. Don’t knock it ’til you try it! Let’s talk about last week.
“Often whole days pass without my speaking to anyone, except to ask for dinner or coffee. And it has been like that from the beginning.”
― Vincent Van Gogh, Van Gogh in Arles
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this past week was only slightly less stressful than the week before. I’m working in different departments and hardly getting a break let alone a lunch in between. To make matters worse I don’t feel like anyone sees or appreciates my efforts but I’ve realized the only one I have to blame for being so overworked and unsatisfied is myself.
I enjoy the challenge but I don’t know when to stop. I like being useful, respected, important, but I forget that I am not, in fact, being compensated to do more than one person’s job. I enjoy being a part of the action but I forget that I need time away. I forget that I can take time away, that I need to take time away. So, I will.
I am still training the new class of employees but this coming week the ones who made it through will be released and I will, hopefully, finally get a little break from the chaos and settled back into my regular, boring schedule. I plan to make myself scarce and to work no more than the hours I have to and do only the tasks assigned to me. Once I feel a little more like myself, a little more stable and strong, I can try ambition and initiative again.
If we were having coffee I would tell you that I am taking it easy this weekend.
Friday night I decided to unplug and get out of the house for a change. I took my wife out for a date night of dinner, drinks, and a movie. She’d been wanting to see Jojo Rabbit for months now and there was one showing at our favorite movie theater. I had just enough time after work to rush home, change, and head back out. The movie was amazing and I highly recommend you see if you haven’t yet.
Saturday was spent much like today will be, doing nothing at all. I had planned to help some friends move to their new house but it turns out they were too excited to wait and did all the moving on their own. I had thought about going hiking but I didn’t have enough time to clean my gear and buy snacks. I thought I might do some shopping or head downtown, but my body protested and the bed beckoned and the opportunity to rest felt too good to pass up.
So, I’ve been home and though part of me is lamenting the wasted hours part of me knows this is just what I needed.
If we were having coffee, I would tell you I’m still not feeling 100% health-wise though compared to just a month ago I have improved beyond recognition.
I’m nearly off of the steroids which feels great emotionally but physically it’s causing me so many problems. The withdrawal is causing terrible headaches, fatigue, and continued mood swings. I’m out of patience and snapping at coworkers. I’m irritable at home and struggling to give my best self to my loved ones.
I got a call from the doctor’s office informing me that my medication would be changed and I would need to set up my next four appointments for infusion. My doctor and I had discussed the changes but I hadn’t realized that we’d moved from discussion to decision. It’s what I wanted though so I’m moving ahead and in just over two weeks I’ll be back at the infusion center again trying something new.
I’m super nervous about it. Not the infusion itself since I was on another infusion medication before and know how the process goes, but with a new medication comes the threat of new side effects, new complications, new worries and new fears. My wife has promised to stay with me the whole time (just like the medication before) to make sure I’m okay and that helps but I’m still freaking out a little.
If we were having coffee I would tell you that with the busy work schedule, my fatigue, and general bad mood I made very little progress through my reading and had no time or motivation for writing.
Both were surprising and rewarding reads. That’s what I love about this set, each book is something I probably never would have chosen to read on my own but each so far has proven worth the time. I’m reminded there is good work outside of what I am typically drawn to and encouraged to continue branching out even after I work my way through these 80 short works.
Now I’m reading the intriguingly titled On Murder Considered as One of the Fine Arts by Thomas de Quincey, a satirical essay on exploring murder in an aesthetic light. I’m still slogging through Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel García Márquez but I’m just not enjoying it as much as I thought I would. This week I’m going to try to make as much progress as I can. The best way out is through, right?
If we were having coffee I would tell you that I’m actually looking forward to next week. The chaos should finally start dying down again and I’ve already said I’m going to do my best to take at least a half-step back from optional job duties but more than that I’m looking forward to using that time for personal pursuits and passions again.
I’ve been missing my old split shift schedule with hours and hours between in which I could pop my ear buds in and type away about nothing at all. I miss my long lunches spent lost in my books. I miss having time to learn something new. I miss having time to think. I miss having time that belonged to me.
Next week is that last one before February begins and I would like to end it on a more fulfilling note that I spent it. I have post drafts I’d love to make progress on, more books to finish, a newsletter I’d like to send out, and collages and found poems I want to make and share. I’m looking forward to time and space to spread out in.
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the sun has moved on to the west windows and it’s time for me to start looking toward the coming work week. It’s time for chores and preparations. It’s time to go enjoy what’s left of the weekend too.
I hope you had a good week. I hope you haven’t been feeling too stressed or depressed. I hope you’ve had successes and if you haven’t I hope you aren’t too hard on yourself. I hope you’re ready to say goodbye to the first month of 2020 and that February will find you rested and ready to begin again.
It’s another lazy day here but not quite as lazy as yesterday. I’m up and about the housecleaning and preparing for the week. Coffee has been a big help, as always, and knowing that tonight’s dinner is already bubbling away in the crock-pot, and laundry is just three short loads from finish is giving me sense of peace I struggle to find most Sundays.
Still, as well as things are going, I wish this weekend were another long one like the last. Three days away from work are perfect. A day for family, friends, and fun, a day for all the things you have to do like cleaning and errands, and a day for you to have all your own. This feels like the way life should be and anything less feels like a robbery. Think of it, what one more day a week to call your own could mean. Think of it, how much life capitalism, corporation, and competition have stolen.
Eat regular meals, on time, and take all of my medication. In order to avoid nausea, I have to spread my medication and supplements out throughout the day. That means more frequent meals, which are hard to remember let alone make time for during the chaotic workday, but I can’t make such excuses anymore. My health comes first! Bonus: No candy or sugary snacks!
Work out every other evening after work. As someone who suffers from anxiety, who struggles to get a good night’s sleep, and who it trying to lose a few pounds put on by this last round of steroids, exercise is very important. I may not feel much like it after a long day but that is the magic of moving your body it creates more motivation than it takes. All I have to do is start. 
, 
Lisa Marie Blair 