I woke up just as fatigued, anxious, and irritable as I have all week but it’s nearly afternoon now and things have since improved. Since then, the sun has come up, the air has warmed, there’s been reason to smile and time has passed getting me closer to the weekend, a dinner date, and Avengers: Endgame.
It’s Friday and no matter how bad they start, they almost always end up being good days.
These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren
The headache is back, and the bad mood. In my body’s defense, I have not done a good job of caring for it. I slept better last night but still not well. I’ve been eating junk and not drinking enough water. I’ve been relying on coffee and ibuprofen again, two things I’m supposed to be limiting.
The day was bad enough, but the evening only got worse. We ran late. I was in pain. Things went wrong and nothing felt right. Bad mood chafed against bad mood until a small argument broke out. It’s bedtime now and things are better but hurt feelings still linger and I imagine we’ll both fall asleep with regrets tonight. By tomorrow we’ll know love again. We always do.
Something’s wrong. I’ve been tired since Sunday at least. The kind of tired that lives in your mind not your body. The kind of tired that blends the days together and keeps you in a fog. The kind of tired that leaves you irritable and unable to accomplish anything. Sure you can show up. You can go through the motions but you can’t make decisions, you can’t figure it out.
I’m trying things. Coffee isn’t doing the trick anymore so I have to get more sleep, better sleep. I’m going to go to bed earlier on work nights, no matter what. I’m going to limit myself to one TV show in the evening and read before bed instead. I’m going to get outside more and walk during the day, no matter what. I’m going to give myself permission to take a short nap when I need to. I’m going to use earplugs at night and make sure my phone’s ringer is off.
It’s a lot to change but most of them are habits I had but simply wasn’t diligent about.
At the same time, I want to acknowledge that this may not be simply and sleeping problem. There may be more going on and this may be something to talk to my doctor about.
These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren
Today is better than yesterday, but not by much. Work is still out of the question, though I did show up, but a few wedding things are getting done. My goal is one small step every single day. I figure that three month’s worth of small steps every day should get us the wedding we want or very close, anyway.
The problem is, or the thing I have to remember is that small steps don’t mean easy or quick. A small step, just one decision or one to-do item could take a whole day or longer. I have to remember to focus on the process and not just done. I have to be okay with things taking time and things being difficult. I have to forget about the timeline and just work.
These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren
The clouds are hanging around again today, in the sky and in my head. I can’t seem to shake them no matter how much sugar and caffeine I consume and fighting it is only exhausting me further. Today is for rest, even if I have to spend it working and wedding planning. Though my body may appear to be moving and doing I assure you that my mind was left back in the bed at home where it’s warm and peaceful. Writing, reading, and learning will just have to wait.
These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren
Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.
Today we’re having a late coffee. I had to be up early for a birthday brunch/Easter celebration with my family and afterwards; I was in desperate need of a nap. The kind of nap where you don’t set alarms. The kind of nap which goes on for exactly as long, and sometimes for a little bit longer, than you need. I needed an hour, but then the clouds rolled in and the rain made it two.
But I’m up now, refreshed and ready to chat! So, please, pull up and chair and fill up a cup. Let’s talk about last week.
“It can take me forever to choose the right coffee cup in the morning. And it does make a difference!”
— Joel Grey
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this last week was a strange and frightful one. If you hadn’t heard here in Colorado, we had to close down hundreds of schools while police searched for a young woman from Florida obsessed with the Columbine High School massacre flew to Colorado and upon landing immediately bought a shotgun.
The day she landed I’d happened to have stayed home from work with a migraine and the next day, after she hadn’t been found, we all stayed home while they searched. In the late afternoon we got the news, she’d been found, and she was no longer a threat. She was dead. Somehow though, none of us feel any safer. Quite the contrary. This threat is no longer real, but the threat is bigger, closer, clearer, and more frightening than ever.
Yesterday was the 20th anniversary of the Columbine massacre. We remembered, again, we mourned, again, and we felt the fear, again. I feel for the survivors and their families and all survivors and families of all mass shootings and gun violence. I feel for us all and long for a time when the threat will finally be over, for good.
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the rest of the week was pretty good. Despite the madness around me I was able to find time for myself though I didn’t do much productive with it.
I brainstormed ways to revive my old blog and worked on the question of how to separate from myself to write for it in a new way. I’m working on reviving my old newsletter too and preparing for an avalanche of unsubscribes after I do.
Part of me is procrastinating by planning, I know. I know that having a vision, a goal, or a plan is no prerequisite to starting and this week I’m going to do my best to remember that. I’m going to do my best to remember that I did not set out on this journey to write about myself alone.
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the last time we spoke I was on my way out with my fiance to take some engagement photos a few towns over in the foothills. I never did get a chance to let you know how it went. I haven’t seen the photos yet, and I am terrified of hating them, but taking them was surprisingly fun!
Our photographer was young, building a portfolio and offering short sessions at deep discounts, so we went with her considering that we hadn’t even wanted engagement photos in the first place. She was incredibly encouraging and made us feel as comfortable as we could. She made us laugh and through her prodding and questioning, we even learned a couple of things about each other.
I’m glad we did it and as soon as I have the photos I’ll share one of two with you.
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that we have accomplished a few other wedding related things. The invitations went out yesterday which means no matter what we are definitely having a wedding now. It’s really real now. We were going to be married no matter what but now we have to do it this way. Now it must be a grand spectacle.
This week we may choose a planner to help us now that we are so close to the big day and still have so much more to do. We booked the caterer and I may have a suit if I can gather the confidence to order. We’ve begun casing thrift stores nearby for decor items and we are starting to think about our vows.
It feels like we have no time at all and it still feels like we have all the time in the world. We’re excited and terrified. We have no idea what we are doing and we’re doing it anyway.
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the coming week looks to be just as free and open as this past one was and I am determined to do something more with it this time around.
I’ve fallen behind in the personal goals I’ve set for myself and in the courses I’ve been taking on Coursera. Until now it’s been easy to just watch videos and take quizzes but now I’ve got a few essay assignment and as usual, I’m procrastinating because I’m scared. I’m afraid I don’t really know what I think I know and that I haven’t really learned anything at all. I’m afraid to mess it up and to not get a good grade, but a bad grade and a chance to try again is better than quitting, something else to remember this week too I suppose.
I’m also struggling to get through Notes from Underground, The Double and Other Stories by Fyodor Dostoyevsky so I’m going allot extra reading time between work duties and at lunch.
I have quite a few exciting books lined up to read after if I just need to grit my teeth and focus. I just need to stick to my pages or minutes per day goals I set for myself but Dostoyevsky doesn’t make it easy. This isn’t a book of wild fantasy, beautiful setting, or compelling dialog, but it’s a book with an important idea! An idea I really want to grasp. I have to remember that too.
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that my coffee mug had run dry and the time for refills is gone. It’s time for a Sunday shot of tequila with my wife to be and episode two of Game of Thrones. It’s time for me to go clear my head and get ready for Monday too.
I hope you had a good week. I hope you were far from both threat and memory of violence and that you got out to see the sun and soak up the spring. I hope your coming week will be warm in all the ways you need and that you make progress to overcome whatever is holding you back.
Until next time.
Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.
Easter is such a strange holiday. The combination of the literal belief in the resurrection and the pagan celebration of springtime complete with brightly colored eggs and chocolate bunnies make absolutely no sense to someone who is an atheist and has no children. It’s the one day of the year when the most people seem to have gone the most insane all at once.
I spent the day celebrating my birthday, again, and acknowledging that spring is the beginning of the napping season. The warm weather is becoming more consistent and the rains are rolling in regularly making napping easier to do and the later and later evening remove the guilt and the panic. Now there is time for you to be both productive and lazy. Enjoy it!
These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren
I wish I had enjoyed more of the day. We got out but only to run a few short errands. We picked up my prescription at the pharmacy. We dropped our invitations off at the post office. We did some thrift store browsing, and I bought a new book. Then we quickly went back home to sit in front of the TV and binge watch The OA on Netflix. It was a good day but I do wish I had spent more of it outside.
I wish I had woken up earlier and gotten out for a walk. I wish I had started cleaning up the yard. I wish I had watched the sun go down from the porch. I’ve become much too much of a homebody and I have forgotten how much the sun and the fresh air mean to me. I’ve forgotten how the trees sound in the wind and how good grass feels between my toes. I miss nature. I want to reconnect with her and make our time together a regular part of my days and weeks again.
These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren
A lovely boring little day, much like the one I had yesterday. The Mueller report is out and there’s a lot to unpack but, for me, it can wait. Today I practiced a little self-care and listened to the new Lizzo album instead.
I was supposed to go to a bookstore tonight—one of my favorite authors was in town to do a book signing—but when I got home, I just wasn’t up to it. I want to tell you that it was because I had a headache, or because I was tired, but the truth is I was anxious and I over thought the whole thing. By the end of the day I thought it was dumb to want to go which also sounds dumb.
I regret it now, but I also realize that in the grand scheme of things it’s fine. The night turned out to be a good one anyway.
These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren
Some days are for work, some are for rest, and some days fall somewhere in between. Today was one of those in-between kinda days. A day for planning, upkeep, and the small to-dos. Things that are just as important but too often overlooked and undervalued.
What I mean to say is, today wasn’t a good writing day. I wanted it to be since I ended up getting out of some work duties I’d been dreading but when I finally got my butt in the chair, I couldn’t do it. I didn’t even really try to be honest. All I wanted to do was behind-the-scenes blog things and fill a notebook page or two with ideas to explore when my mind was ready.
In those small goals, I was productive, and that is something.
These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren
Lisa Marie Blair 