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Today was hard, emotionally. I’m working with a new employee who’s spouse suddenly died less than two weeks ago. She had only been here for 3 days before he passed and then stopped returning to work saying only that she was (quite understandably) having trouble coping with the loss.

I thought she would not be able to return at all but she called and asked if it was possible to continue her training and since my last class has already been released I had the time and agreed. When she walked in this morning I hardly recognized her as the same person I met two weeks ago. She has lost weight and her eyes—my god her eyes—they looked as though she were lost or still in shock. She’s seems present, but appears to have lost the ability to connect meaningfully with her surroundings.

I feel so bad for her, and at the same time, I’m terrified of her. I’m terrified that her reality could some day be mine and those eyes would be my eyes. All day I longed to be near my wife and I promised myself to spend a little more time holding her, looking at her, kissing her, and making sure she knows I love her in case one day it’s her struggling to cope with the loss of me.

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I haven’t seen my favorite coworkers in over 4 days and you can tell we’ve missed each other. We’ve been laughing all day like it’s the last day before summer break and there’s no more work to do or work worth doing. I haven’t laughed this much in a long time and I feel lucky and incredibly grateful to have a job where I get to have fun and smile every day. I’m lucky to have bosses and coworkers who are also my friends.

Tonight is democratic debate night and just 30 minutes in I am both thoroughly entertained and 100% sure of my primary candidate choice. Still, I do wish the whole process was a lot closer to being done than it is now. I’m burned out on politics and I’ve never been burned out on politics.

I’m also afraid. I don’t know how I could process a repeat of 2016. I know I would live but my last shred of connection to my country would be severed. I would no longer feel that I lived in a just society and to continue to live here and to pay taxes might begin to feel immoral. It would be too much for my soul to bear.

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Being out in the world is regressing me. I felt much better, much more myself and much more energetic yesterday but being forced out of bed and out of the house before I felt rested or ready is exhausting me and bringing my symptoms back and of course I left all my hard medications at home thinking I was over the worst of it and past the possibility of relapse.

Today is a “non-pupal contact” day at work which means most of my coworkers are still at home fast asleep. I also had the option of staying home, but I figured since the day would be an easy and quiet one I might as well try to make up some of those hours I’ve been missing lately. What I failed to remember was that these quiet easy days tend to be the hardest to get through. Time is dragging, and the boredom is exhausting.

I’m trying to make the most of this time though. I’m catching up on clerical duties and making time for my personal to-do list items in between tasks. I filled out the editorial calendar I printed last week, posted a new cutout poem on Instagram, and made it through the Heartsaver Instructor Essentials Online course too. It’s a long day, but it’s also one of the most productive I’ve had in a long time.

Goals // Week 08: Find My Footing

This week I have a little break from all the expectations and obligations that have long become routine. The weekend is a long one. I have an extra day off from work and the next class of new employees won’t begin with me for more than a week more. That means I have a chance to stop and think. I have a chance to look ahead and to find my footing before I take another step. 

This week I will:

Get well. I’ve been fighting a bad cold for over a week now and I’m feeling like I’ve fought my way through the worst of it and might just be on the mend. But I do have a chronic illness and the medications I take to have an impact on my immune system. If I’m not careful, if I don’t take care of myself by managing my stress levels, eating well, staying hydrated, and eating well this cold could gain a stronghold again or I could very easily catch something else.

Update: I’m feeling 100% again and the memory of that sinus pain and congestion misery is already fading. I did my best to stay hydrated and made sure to take (most of) my supplements often and on time. I’ve been sick a lot this season but nothing like that last cold and it’s left me with a bit of anxiety and paranoia. I’m sterilizing everything and washing my hands raw trying to avoid another infection.

Make a plan. I have neglected my calendars and to-do lists quite badly lately and as a result, no progress has been made. In my defense, my work life has been a bit chaotic and my health has made it impossible to maintain energy or focus outside of my obligations but the excuses aren’t holding up any longer. I know if I can make a plan I can find a way to do one small thing a day at least. It’s time to really try again.

Update: I made progress, but I did not stick with it. I have a list and a calendar now but they are not fully filled in and I have made little effort to keep either in front of me rendering both completely useless. But, progress is progress, and even if I only just keep filling it in every week for a while something ought to stick in my brain at some point.

 Read 150 pages of It by Stephen King. I’m sure I could make it further than that especially since I have decided to make T.V. time the new reading time these past couple of weeks. But I would like to move on through another book or two in my Penguin Little Black Classics set so I’ll have to split my time between It and Wailing Ghosts by Pu Songling and settle for fewer pages of one so I can enjoy a little of both.

Update: I did get a couple of good reading days in but only made it about 80 pages toward my goal. I found myself very distracted both on my breaks at work and at home. My schedule kept shifting and changing and it never felt like a good time to pull such a heavy book out and start reading. I was able to finish Wailing Ghosts though and that counts for something.

Complete my Heartsaver Instructor Essentials Online course. Before I can take the hands-on CPR and First Aid instructor course I have to complete the online potion. I’ve been putting it off because I’m nervous about it but my class is just a few weeks away and I do not want to mess up my opportunity to become an instructor because of a little irrational fear. This is a great opportunity for me, and I have to be brave, focused, and proactive and if I can’t be those things I better pretend until I am.

Update: It was long, and it was incredibly boring but I got it done. I did gain a lot of useful information about the process of teaching a CPR class which is very different from attending a class and learning CPR. Weirdly the new knowledge only made me feel more anxious rather than comforting me but I’m trying to tell myself that I am excited, not afraid.

Vote. I’m so grateful that the great state of Colorado makes it so easy to vote. We have early voting and mail-in ballots. We have 24-hour ballot drop off sites all over the city and here independents are allowed to vote in the primaries. So, I have no excuse not to participate in this election or any other. But sometimes when things are easy to do they are even easier to forget.

Update: I simply forgot. I know who I’m voting for and I only have one little circle to fill in before folding the ballot back up and dropping it off on the way to some other errand or destination. It’s simple, too simple. It’s so simple my mind considers it insignificant and not worth the effort of committing to memory. This is exactly why I have to keep that calendar and to-do list in front of me.

Write something, anything. I don’t necessarily have to write here and I don’t necessarily have to write to share. I can write something privately. I can write something that’s boring, unimportant, confusing, and bad. I can write as little or as much as I want or can and I can type it or use a pen and pad. I can write whatever I want so long as I write something real.

Update: For something I love and long to do writing is sure hard to make myself do. It’s difficult to begin or to know where to go. It’s hard to develop a voice and a message and it’s hard to silence my self-doubt and insecurities. It’s hard to make time when what is easier to do feels better now, but in the long run this feels so much worse and the longer it takes for me to begin the harder it is for me to get out of my own way.

This week I will not forget this list. For weeks now I have been setting goals and promptly forgetting them. This week I will not let I must do for others eclipse my personal passions so completely that I forget them entirely. This week I will not put myself on the back burner.

P.S. For a look at how I fared last week check out my updated post for Week 07

Photo by Shaz Sedighzadeh on Unsplash

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I’m off of work for the holiday which is about as much as the 3rd Monday in February ever means to me. The holiday was first meant to be a celebration of George Washington’s birth a man who not only owned slaves but fought for the formation of a country founded on stolen land.

Lincoln’s birthday was added to the celebration and though he’s a much more respectable man and more worthy of remembrance for me than Washington, but he is only one of many Presidents who have let women, people of color, and the LGBTQ community down.

So, I’m spending the day pretending it’s Sunday instead and getting ready for the workweek at a much more relaxed pace than I’m usual. I made sure to start my preparation early in the weekend knowing that I’d spend much of my actual Sunday out of the house. Tomorrow will be a sort of half work day. It’s an “non-pupal contact” day which means the district will be open but there are no students to transport. Most of my coworkers will be out so it’ll be nice and quiet.

Just knowing I get to ease into the week and that it will be a short week too makes the end to the weekend a calm and peaceful one. I wish every “Sunday” could be like this.

If We Were Having Coffee // A Hopeless and Enduring Romantic

Hello, happy Sunday, and thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

I hope you don’t mind another late-night coffee chat. Most Sundays I’m up before first light but a late night last night meant a late start this morning and as a result a late day all around. Not only that, but it’s family day again—at my in-laws this time—and leaves very little time to spend on chores, to-do lists, or slowly sipping coffee all day, but it’s okay.

The weather is gorgeous and to be honest I’d rather get out of the house, see the sun, and spend some time with people I love than worrying about the workweek, or cleaning, or even writing or reading. And anyway this weekend is a long one so there is no need to rush any of it. I may not have been able to give you the day but we have all night and plenty of caffeine.

So, please, pull up a chair and fill up a cup. I’ve got a light blond roast steeping in the French press and a bit of cold frothed sweet vanilla oat milk to pour over top. Let’s talk about last week.

“For more than three decades, coffee has captured my imagination because it is a beverage about individuals as well as community.”

― Howard Schultz, Onward: How Starbucks Fought for Its Life without Losing Its Soul

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this past week was a hard one to get through but it wasn’t work that made it so hard for a change.

More than a week ago I felt myself coming down with a nasty cold. I had a sore, raw, and dry feeling in my throat and even worse fatigue than usual. I did my best to rest and drink plenty of fluid throughout last Saturday and Sunday but by Monday I could barely get out of bed.

I had an infusion appointment for my new medication Tuesday morning and I worried that if I wasn’t feeling better by then I would have to postpone. There’s a waiting list for this medication so I opted to take Monday off from work and spend the day sleeping on the couch, drinking plenty wof fluids, and taking all my medications and supplements. By the evening I really was feeling better and my appointment the next morning went ahead as scheduled without issues.

But Wednesday morning I woke up feeling like I’d been run over by a truck and I only got worse, and worse, and worse. The sore throat turned into a cough and the worse sinus pain I have ever had in my life. I ended up with headaches, congestion, swelling around the eyes, jaw pain, and muscle soreness. My whole body hurt!

I’m not sure if it was the cold getting worse or side effects from the infusion or, more likely, some combination of the two but I’m really hoping it won’t be like this every time. My next appointment is less than a week away so we’ll find out then.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that though I was still miserable by Friday, I did my best to keep my spirits high to celebrate Valentine’s Day with my wife.

We’ve been together for too long now to make a very big deal out of the day. There are no flowers or chocolates, teddy bears or little boxes of jewelry. No, not since our early years have we felt the need to make material gestures out of our love. Nowadays we make reservations some place nice and enjoy a few drinks and a nice meal together.

This year my wife broke the rules a little and ordered a nice lunch to be delivered to my workplace but she swears it was because I was sick not because it was Valentine’s Day and therefore not a violation of our tradition or agreement. I’m skeptical but because it was so sweet I’ll allow it this year.

For dinner, we tried a new Peruvian place that opened up around the corner. My wife has been wanted to go there, but the menu intimidated me and I’ve been stalling for a while but Valentine’s Day felt like a good time to put on my big girl pants and try something new. I’m glad we did too because the place was amazing. The food and drinks were delicious. The atmosphere was intimate and cozy. The service was superb, and we enjoyed ourselves immensely.

I know most long-term couples don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. I know most people consider it a commercial holiday meant for young or new love but I see it as something bigger than that. It’s a day to celebrate love—all kinds of love!—and though we do (or should) celebrate our partners and our relationships every day it still feels good to spend one day a year celebrating it all together.

I love the cheap gifts and the grand gestures. I love the corny cards, the packed restaurants, and the sappy way we all look and talk about each other. I being in love and being around love, but that’s just me, an admitted, unashamed, hopeless and enduring romantic.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that taking two days off of work didn’t make the week feel any shorter. With the snow day last Friday that made five days away from work and meant there was a lot to catch up on.

The new class of employees is just about through my portion of the training and I’m already looking ahead to the next one. I had been told they would start this coming week, but it looks like I’ll get a chance to catch up on other duties I’ve had to put to the side these last few months. Maybe I’ll get back to riding routes for a while too. I have been missing the kids. And maybe I’ll remember to make some time for myself and get back to long lunch breaks to read, write, and take walks in.

Oh, speaking of reading, I have made significant and surprising progress through my current read, It by Stephen King. The book is over 1,100 pages long and I do not want it to cause me to fall behind in my reading goals so I’m devoting an hour at least every night to the tome. I’ve just about made it to page 300 and so far I like it but damn is it bloated. Luckily King’s prose swings between delightful and suspenseful so though I think this story could have probably been told in half the time he holds my interest nonetheless.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that it’s very late now and if I have any more coffee, I won’t sleep at all tonight. Staying up sounded nice at the start but this cold is still hanging on and I need all the rest I can get if I hope to return to the world by Tuesday.

I hope you had a good week. I hope wherever you are the sun has been out, and the snow has melted. I hope you are feeling well and if you aren’t I hope you get well soon. I hope that you had someone to love and be loved by on Valentine’s Day and if you felt alone, I would remind you that there are so many kinds of love in the world, love between friends, love between siblings, parent’s and children, and love of the self, and all deserve to be celebrated too.

Until next time.

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Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Alex Loup on Unsplash

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Today is the first Sunday of our new effort to attend family day every week, but to alternate the families we spend time with. Today we are with my wife’s family and next week we will be back at my brother’s house with mine. It’s been a while since we’ve come over here. My family pushes harder for these kinds of visits while we are the ones who have to do the pushing with hers. They love seeing us but it’s too easy to get into the bad habit of letting life get in the way.

But we don’t want to let life get in the way. We want to make sure to make the effort and to let people know we more than care, but that we also enjoy their company.

The visit has been lovely and lively too! It’s been a while since I’m been able to debate politics in such a riveting way and though we’re all liberals here we do have different ideas about how to move forward, bring this country together, and achieve our goals with a sense of compassion and inclusion. What I learned is that I might not be quite as liberal or radical as I thought and that I do in fact believe that the middle road is a respectable place to govern from.

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Finally, after over a week of dealing with a sore throat, a cough, congestion, headaches, and sinus agony, finally I’m starting to feel like a normal human being again. I can breathe!

I’m feeling better but I’m not feeling well so I’m staying in and taking care of myself. I don’t want to have to miss even more work than I already have or have to going forward. This is a long weekend too so if I take advantage of the time and really rest, take my medication, hydrate, and eat right there’s a real chance I could kick this cold before the start of work Monday.

I’m continuing my break for to-do lists, obligations, and guilt. Stress has a major impact on my immune system and asking too much of myself or allowing anxiety over what I didn’t do to get a foothold will only prolong healing. All I have to do right now is rest.