Goals // Week 03

This week is going to be another busy one. There is a new class of employees starting and I will need work long hours to get them trained and ready for the kids. That means very little time for personal goals and pursuits. That means the calendar is out the door and I will need to be flexible and focused whenever I have a more than a moment for myself alone.

This week I will:

Read half of Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel García Márquez, or 25 pages per day, on average. I will read as much as possible during my lunch breaks at work but with my rigorous work schedule I may be eating on my feet this week. That’s ok though. There will be time over the weekend to catch up. I’d really like to finish this book within the next two weeks so I can start on my new Penguin Little Black Classics Box Set as soon as possible.

Update: Yeah, no, not even close. I read a mere 75 pages all week which may not sound like much but it was something. This year I’m trying not to let a week go buy without having made at least some progress, any progress, through one of my books. Considering that goal, I succeeded.

Journal every day. Time for blogging and writing will most likely be non existent but I cannot go the next 5 days without writing something. Writing is first and foremost for me, always. It keeps me centered and sane, so even when I cannot write for others I must make time to write for me. I need a place to vent and a place to remind myself of what is good and I need that space every day.

Update: This was my most disappointing failure of the week. In my defense I am still getting used to journaling by hand again and I often forget to do it. Going forward I would like to start carrying my notebooks outside of a bag so that they are always within eyesight and always on my mind.

Exercise every other day starting today. Since I’ve started to wean off of my medication, my energy levels have plummeted and working out is not as easy as it was even as early as a week ago. Still. I have been doing well and I do not want to lose the momentum or motivation I have built up. Even if I have to cut back on reps and rounds that’s okay. I will do as much as I can and remind myself that everything counts.

Update: Once again I had just one day this week with enough energy and willpower to get through my goals. This one is easy to forget when it isn’t scheduled and since I knew I would be so occupied by work I never made the schedule. Oh well, lesson learned.

Make something with my hands. Between work and rest I doubt I will get this far but just in case I am on top of my game and crushing it I wanted to add a goal to create a little art if I get a chance. It’s been weeks since I had a chance to spread out some magazine clippings, to zone out with my X-Acto knives, to make a mess, and to surprise myself. I probably need it more than I know.

Update: Another failure for the week but I’d like to focus on the progress I made instead and note that I did make time to clean up the creativity room and to make space for my art. I’m also giving myself permission to consider art a weekend pursuit rather than something I have to commit to practicing every single day.

Breathe. My health depends on me managing my stress levels and that means being mindful of how long and how much work I have been doing and taking breaks before they are needed. But breaks don’t just mean stepping away from the work physically. The kind of breaks I will need are more akin to meditation. A chance for my mind to quiet and for me to focus on the body and breath.

Update: Sometimes breathing is all you can do. Sometimes breathing is all you can ask or expect from youreself. Sometimes simply breathing has to be enough.

This week I will not push myself too far. It’s often hard for me to see where my limits are and I often don’t learn their importance until after I have stepped across them but I will tread lightly and do my best to see the signs of burn out and declining health before they force me out and down.

For a look at how I fared last week check out my updated post for Week 02.

Photo by adrian on Unsplash

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I could easily go right back to bed right now. Unfortunately, I’m already at work out in the cold and growing ngrier by the minute about it.

My energy levels are still very low and it hit me that these past few weeks that I’ve been waking up so early and getting so much done, working out and focusing so we’ll we the tasks at hand, none of that was me. It was my medication.

Now that I am coming off of it I’m slowly returning to my old default. This version of me, the exhausted and irritable one, the unfocused and unmotivated one, the frustrated and disappointed one, that one is the real me.

But knowing, or remembering, this also made me realize that I do not want to go on with this pity party any more. This is the reality and all I can do is face it and do what I can with it. I want stop focusing so much on what I can’t do and spend a lot more time focusing on what I can do and what I have done. I can’t make myself have more energy but I can change my expectations and my perspective.

Everything counts and trying is all that matters now.

If We Were Having Coffee // What I Know I Love Doing

Hello, happy Sunday, and thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

I was up before the sun this morning. I made making breakfast and even got some cleaning done but it turned out that my mind was too far ahead of my body and mistakenly thought I had the energy to do more than I could.

Very quickly the bed beckoned me back and my subconscious held me there by dreaming I was doing all the things I had hoped to do while awake. When I woke again, it was to disappointment. I had done none of the things I thought I had and worse, had to muster the motivation again to do them in again in waking life. Coffee, made quickly and in copious amounts, will be a necessity today.

So, please, pull up a chair and grab yourself a cup. I have the usual: a light blond roast steeped in the French press and a bit of frothed sweet vanilla soy milk to smooth and temper it. Let’s talk about last week!

“At this point, caffeine wasn’t for pleasure, it was sheer survival.”

― Stormy Smith, Who She Was

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that last week was my first back to work after two weeks of winter break. I did work a little during that time but the workdays were shorter and farther between and the expectations were lowered and lax.

Returning to the early mornings and the chaos was a hard adjustment. There was a route in need of a substitute assistant and I have been temporarily assigned to ride with those kids until a permanent replacement is found. At first, I was a little peeved by the change but it turns out the kids are really good, the driver is competent, and the route itself runs through a few parts of town with gorgeous views of the mountains to the west and the sun rising in the east.

Every day on it I loved it a little more. Not enough to become the permanent assistant but enough that for the time being it is a part of my day in which I can find comfort and peace for the time being.

Outside of the route I spent much of the week feeling irritable and went to great lengths to isolate myself in order to cope. It wasn’t hard though. I had a lot of coworkers out during the breaks handling family emergencies or running errands. I wasn’t alone all day though. When I needed a laugh or to feel part of the team, my friends were there to pull me in and cheer me up. I’m lucky to work in a place where I have such control over my interactions and boundaries.

All in all, I think it was as good of a return as could be hoped for. Very little went as wrong as it could have and the greatest task I had was simply preparing for the next week. I have a new class of employees starting on Tuesday and that means a return to long hours and high stress levels. I’m going to my best to manage my time and emotions and I expect that things will come easier now that I have a few classes under my belt and I can anticipate the questions, the complications, and what is needed of me.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this weekend has been relatively low key but far too short.

Friday night my wife was out at a retirement party for her coworkers and I opted to stay in with the dog to nurse a headache and make some progress through my reading goal. I splurged and ordered gyros for delivery and slept on the couch. Evening naps are my favorite luxury and I only allow myself to indulge on Fridays when I know I won’t have to worry about work the next day.

Saturday morning I woke up early to make chicken tacos for my brother and his wife’s housewarming potluck. Their old place had been too small, was located in a bad neighborhood, and the landlord was frustratingly inattentive. The new place is the opposite in every way. It’s big, bright, and well kept. It’s in a quiet, diverse, and full of families like their own. They have a real yard and enough room for themselves, the kids, and the dogs. It’s perfect for them and a definite cause for celebration.

After the party, I returned home and spent the rest of the evening on the couch reading Ethics and watching old episodes of Homeland. I wanted to do more, complete a house project or work on a collage piece but I felt too run down to even try.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that health-wise I am still very up and down but more and more up than down every day.

I had another chat with the doctor and we have a solid plan for the next few months. I have to do a little more wait and see for now but I am working on coming off of the steroids and, if things keep getting better, I do nothing, if they get worse again I will be switching to another medication, another infusion this time, which is a good thing. I’ll get to come off of the daily pills and simply spend an afternoon every eight weeks at the infusion clinic. This was the best plan I could hope for right now.

In the meantime, the steroid withdrawal is really getting intense. I’m dealing with headaches, fatigue, and irritability. I’ve had to warn my loved ones and coworkers and I’ve had to be patient with myself. It helps to stay active. I have been exercising almost every day to take my mind off of things, to give my frustrations and outlet, and to release some of those sweet, sweet endorphins.

It helps too to look toward the light at the end of the tunnel too. It’s there, just five more weeks away when I take my last dose. It’s then I will know one way or another in what direction to take the next step.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that it was a good reading week. I’m so determined to hit my reading goal this year I’ve starting devoting nearly an hour every day just to it. I spend my whole lunch break reading but I’ve also started reading on the couch while watching T.V. I didn’t think I’d be able to follow along with either this way but I’ve been able to find a rhythm between the ads and the slow moments of a show.

I finished Ethics by Benedict de Spinoza, finally. Despite it being one of the shortest books I have ever read it was by far one of the hardest. Now that I am done I can say it’s also been one of the most rewarding I have ever read. I don’t agree with a lot of it but I like the way Spinoza thinks. I felt akin to the way my own mind works though I don’t for a second think I’m in any way equal to so great a thinker.

Yesterday I started Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel García Márquez. I read 100 Years of Solitude last year and loved it so much I knew I needed to read anything I could by Márquez. I’ve barely gotten past page 20 and have already fallen head over heels in again with his flowery and verbose prose.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that writing-wise this was not a good week at all but I haven’t given up. I’ve been giving myself too much leeway to decide what kind of writing to do rather than deciding ahead of time what to work on. It’s strange and frustrating how hard I have to work to do what I know I love doing.

And maybe that is it. I should be having more fun. I put too much expectation on myself to write well, to write meaningfully, to say something, but maybe saying nothing at all is fine too? Maybe shouting into the void and adding nothing of value is still writing worth doing. I need to find the joy and fulfillment I had a year ago, two years ago, when writing was for nothing but the joy of writing.

Back then I was using prompts. I type for hours on the subject filling the blank screen with whatever popped into my head. When I exhausted myself I would edit, some, hit publish and move on with my day until the next prompt. I’d like to do that again for a while, just to get the hang of writing for such long blocks of time. I’d like to have fun again since I seem to be unable to get serious.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the day is wearing on. The afternoon sun is streaming through the west windows reminding me that the weekend is waning and there is still so much to do before night falls. I’ll need more coffee but our conversation must end here.

I hope you had a good week. I hope that you’ve been able to adjust to life after the holidays and that you are settling in to the new year well. I hope that your stress levels are manageable and that you know no goal can be accomplished, no resolution kept, nor any expectation met if you don’t make time to take care of yourself first.

Until next time.

Your Way // Rexx Life Raj feat. Kehlani

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

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Not much better than yesterday to be honest, perhaps worse if I think about it too much. I couldn’t get out of bed on time and though I feel a bit of disappointment over it I can tell by how easily and deeply I slept even after having woken up, made myself breakfast, and had my morning coffee. I’m exhausted and there is no use fighting it. I have to give my body what it wants before it has no choice but to take what it needs.

I’m up now though and doing my best to complete just one or two to-do items. I’m not shooting any higher than “better than nothing” today and even that might be asking too much.

But just because I can’t do a big thing, doesn’t mean I should do nothing. I can find something to do that is more in line with where I am mentally and physically. Today I cannot write much, or work out, or get through the list of chores, but I can finish reading a book today. I can pile up the pillows and blankets in a corner of the couch and spend the afternoon with Baruch Spinoza.

I can learn something. I can get a little closer to my reading goals. I can make some use of this day.

011//366

I’m tired down to my bones today. I wish I could spend the whole weekend in bed but when work takes up 50 hours of your week everything else has to happen between now and Sunday evening. There will never be time for the kind of rest I really need.

On a more positive note, I at least get to spend the day seeing my family. My brother and his wife moved into a new house this and today we are celebrating with a housewarming potluck. I’m so happy for them and somewhere deep down I am excited to go.

I blame the prednisone. I’m tapering to lower and lower doses every week and caffeine, it turns out, is not a suitable replacement. At least the headache is gone but I haven’t been able to work out since Thursday and I have a feeling my expectations will have to be lowered for a long while.

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I wish we were a little closer to the end of winter right now. I miss warmth, change and growth, the color green, and the feeling of being close to nature.

This week wasn’t so bad, actually. The beginning saw spring-like temperatures but the clouds and cold have returned just as the weekend was set to begin. There was a thin dusting of snow on the ground when I woke and since we’ve seen a few short bursts of flurries on and off.

I had hoped for enough sun to make a quick hiking trip in but looking ahead I don’t think it will be warm enough for quite a while. Still, I can feel spring approaching in my bones. Soon, soon…

Work-wise things are quiet, for a Friday. I blame the dreariness outside for the mood and the energy it takes just to keep warm for the exhaustion. I’m looking forward to returning home where it’s warm and cozy. No matter how many layers I wear or how much I turn up my heater at work I never can seem to get warm again until I’m back home. I’m starting to think that a major part of body temperature regulation is maintained by emotion.

Home is warm in more ways than one.

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Today feels a little better than yesterday. I’m still worn out and I’m actually much more irritable, but I feel like myself again. I feel whole. I have returned to being made of both body and mind as equal and one and no longer a mind imprisoned and resentful.

It helps that there is work to do and plenty of little ways to be useful, active, and creative. It helps to get up and move and to use my muscles mindfully. It helps that the end of the week is in sight and the weekend no longer feels like an unreachable dream. It helps that I stopped at Starbucks on the way to work and added an extra shot of espresso to my latte.

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The weight of my chronic illness is pressing on me, exhausting and depressing me. I can’t move, see, or think past my body today. Just recently I was feeling so proud of this body. I was beginning to not just consider it part of me but to love it a little too. Today though it is nothing but meat and misery I’m forced to drag around and long to be rid of.

I always feel like this on the day’s I have a doctor’s appointment. Today’s was both good news and bad. We’ve settled on a plan that goes past “wait and see”. I’ve waited and though what we have seen has been an improvement, it has been far too slow and too little to consider it a success. So, a little more wait but in the meantime there is will at least be actions to take.

This new plan is better than the one proposed to me a few weeks ago though it means some big changes. I’ll be back on an infusion medication and there will be a lot more wait and see to come. There are a lot of unknowns on the horizon too. Medication that may or may not work, side effects that may or may not manifest, and old symptoms that may or may not resurface. It’s a lot to worry about, and especially hard not to think about when you are supposed to be managing your stress levels.

I’m trying to remember that I am one of the lucky ones. I have support. I have healthcare. I can work. My condition is manageable. I will get through it and it will be okay.

007//366

It’s the first official day back at work since the break and it’s turning out to be a lot harder to get through than I anticipated. The morning was fine, but I made sure to keep as close to my regular waking time and routine for most of the last two weeks.

No, today it is the afternoon that is exhausting me. I have been spoiled and gotten too used to freedom and control. My body and mind believe I should be at home resting or doing something more enjoyable or fulfilling rather than stressing or dreading the next 3 hours of my afternoon.

Still, I think I am coping well. I was needed more than I thought I would be and though that really cut into the time I hoped to spend on myself it felt good to be able to work. My health is improving and I can feel the difference in energy and confidence since I started working out and moving my body more. I feel sore but strong, tired but in a good way. Suddenly existing as a physical being is no longer a drag.

I’m home late from work, avoiding my to-do list and eating food I know is bad for me as a result. I don’t cope well when plans change it seems. I have to give myself permission to shut down here and there though. It’s the only way I can pull myself back up and begin again the next day. I have to be able to tell myself “Today this is ok, but tomorrow it is not.”

Sarah Gershman on Emotion as a Currency for Remembering Content

According to numerous studies, emotion is a basic currency for remembering content. A listener must connect emotionally to what they hear in order to remember what the speaker says. Simply, we remember most vividly the events in our lives in which we were most emotionally impacted.”

— Sarah Gershman, Do You Need Charisma to Be a Great Public Speaker? (via swissmiss)