027//366

And here we are again.

Winter has returned today and we are seeing the first snowfall in nearly a month. It isn’t much, but it ended the chance of a rare “precipitation-less January”. I normally hate snow, I still hate snow, but having not seen it in so long and worried over why it’s been gone and what the consequences of its absence will be, makes this snow fall a little more welcome, peaceful, and beautiful than most.

It’s strange to have a Monday turn out better than the Friday that proceeded it but this week is definitely beginning on a better note than the last one ended. For one some of my favorite coworkers are back, and for two, I feel a lot more comfortable in my skin, a lot more secure, and a lot less anxious and afraid.

I’m still feeing very “burned-out” though but more and more I think it’s people and not my actual job duties that are pushing me over the edge. I have to find a way to maintain my inner peace even in the face of frustration, negativity, and sabotage. When I step back, I can see that none of the people who I’ve allowed to impact my mood have any real impact on my life, my duties, or my dreams, so why do they affect me so?

And how do I begin to establish a sense of space and time between the emotions of others and mine, the actions of others and mine?

026//366

It’s another lazy day here but not quite as lazy as yesterday. I’m up and about the housecleaning and preparing for the week. Coffee has been a big help, as always, and knowing that tonight’s dinner is already bubbling away in the crock-pot, and laundry is just three short loads from finish is giving me sense of peace I struggle to find most Sundays.

Still, as well as things are going, I wish this weekend were another long one like the last. Three days away from work are perfect. A day for family, friends, and fun, a day for all the things you have to do like cleaning and errands, and a day for you to have all your own. This feels like the way life should be and anything less feels like a robbery. Think of it, what one more day a week to call your own could mean. Think of it, how much life capitalism, corporation, and competition have stolen.

And just like that my peace is gone.

025//366

The sky is clear and the weather is warming up but for despite my desperate need for fresh air and sunshine I’m just too tired to make it out of the house today. I need a day to do nothing. I want to stay in bed. I was to wear my pajamas until it’s time to change into new pajamas. I want to tune out and forget responsibilty, obligation, “have to”, and “should. I’m not looking at my to-do list or my calendar, hell, I’m not even looking at social media. I don’t want to see anyone’s else’s activities, accomplishments, or motivational reminders.

Today is still a good day though. I’m not feeling depressed or down, just a little burned out and, honestly, I just miss my wife.

Sometimes I get too caught up in my day job and I’m too protective of the time I can claim for myself, and she does the same and we forget or take for granted that time needs to be made for us too. When we forget for too long my body lets me know. Every once in a while I’m stuck by an intense loneliness that is specific to her. It’s a pain that can only be soothed by being near her and knowing I am seen and loved.

That is what today is for and I know it’s ore important than anything else I could make or check off of a list.

024//366

This has been the longest short week ever and even though I’m so happy to have made it through to Friday and even though I can see the light at the end of the tunnel growing brighter by the minute, I know that this day is going to be a hard one to get through. All my favorite coworkers are out, the ones who make me laugh, the ones who have my back and I’m left feeling a little lost and overwhelmed.


Today was just as hard as I knew it would be. I feel overworked and worn thin. I feel empty and on the verge of tears and I feel angry at myself for being so weak. It shouldn’t be so hard to just work the same as everyone else. Of course, I have to remember I’m working at a deficit in body and in mind, and in addition, I’ve had to give up what little energy and focus I have to things I don’t love with my whole heart. Doing that, day after day eats at the soul.


It’s date night tonight! I finally made it out of work and I’m rushing home now so I can quickly change my clothes and head right back out the door. I need a night of good food, a stiff drink, and some time away with my wife. We’re heading to our favorite movie theater for a showing of Jojo Rabbit, a film she’s been pressing to see but I one have doubts about, but it doesn’t matter because I’ll just be happy to be anywhere at all with her.

Update: She was right, Jojo Rabbit is an amazing film and we should have seen it months ago!

023//366

As predicted, another poor night’s sleep has me dragging my feet and snapping at everyone around me. I wish I could do us all a favor and isolate myself but with all the work I have on my plate through next Monday at least I have no choice but to subject all of us to my unpredictable moods.

Coffee is helping and there have been moments of peace I can lose myself into and come out again like the Lisa they all no and love, it’s just that she can’t stay very long.

I have to get back on track with my workout. I really think that will solve so much of my problems with sleep and energy. I’m like a dog wound up too tight with nervous energy. I need to exhaust myself every day to keep those little worries from getting stuck in my head. They get stuck in my head like bits of songs and play on a loop for hours growing louder and louder until my alarm goes off and it’s time to start another day.

Thankfully, the weather is already beginning to warm and this feeling of being cooped up, of boredom and restlessness will pass. Every once in a while I swear I catch the scent of spring in the air. Early yesterday morning it was rain. This afternoon I smelled flowers. Soon nature will return and, in turn, welcome us back to the world with promises of breathtaking beauty and adventure. I cannot wait to be rid of this winter and of who I am in it.

022//366

A decent night’s sleep had turned everything around. Now I just need a few more nights in a row like it and I should be back to my old self. My hopes aren’t that high though. I never sleep well more than a night or two at once. I suspect tonight my mind will be back up to it’s old tricks and by tomorrow I’ll be my old lethargic self.

But for now, I feel good. I’m in the mood for work, for people, for trying hard and making progress. Unfortunately, my return to sociability has made painfully clear that my poor mood and lack of patience over the course of the last couple of weeks has burned a few bridges, but that’s okay, they weren’t ones I was eager to cross back over any way. What I care to repair I will and to be honest I only care to repair relationships with people who understand and need no explanations or apology, anyway.

And maybe the time for making up and making things right isn’t while I’m still in the middle of trying to get well, to get off my medication, and to just make it through each day with my self worth and enthusiasm for life intact.

021//366

I was on my own today but instead of being angry for the lack of support I’m choosing to be proud. I’m proud that I can count on myself and come through for myself when no one else will. I proud of myself for being so capable and courageous. I’m not perfect. I made mistakes today and I won’t pretend I was my best self, but I showed up and got the job done.

I’m proud of me but underneath it all I can’t help feeling a little bitter too. I wish I didn’t have to be so capable and courageous. I wish I could count on more than just myself.

If I’m honest, it’s not really so bad as I make it seem. I’m not usually on my own like this but I can see now how fragile the safety net is, on many levels, and that scares me, and that fear, that is what pushes and exhausts me. It’s exhausting to have to try so hard all the time because I know there’s no guarantee that there will be anyone there to catch me if (when) I fail.


The doctor’s office called today to set up my infusion appointments for my new medications. I didn’t even know we were going forward with the medication change until I got the call! It’s a good thing but part of me still hoped that everything would get better so that nothing had to change. But it’s a good thing. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. It’s a good thing…hopefully.

020//366

I had thought today would be spent doing absolutely nothing, but this weekend has already been so much about me, my needs, and my self-care I felt it was time to dedicate some time to taking care of my home and other obligations. So, today is about cleaning, completing projects, and getting ready for the workweek.

While I’m in the kitchen washing and meal prepping my wife is busy about the house hanging art and making this place feel a little more like a home. The walls have been bare for years but it never really bothered me. I just figured there wouldn’t be much difference either way so why spend the money or put holes in the walls? But seeing the rooms with even just a few frames and pieces up I get it now. A home isn’t a home until you give it personality.


As the evening wears on I continue to improve. I didn’t realize how low I had sunk last week or quite how long it would take to pull myself back up, but I did it. I’m ready to face the world again tomorrow and to make sure I don’t let myself get so overwhelmed again. I’m going to do a better job of holding myself afloat from now on.

Goals // Week 04

This work week will be a lot like last week, busy, chaotic, and stressful, but it will be shorter week and though I don’t expect to complete every goal or to maintain my focus or enthusiasm through to Friday afternoon but I do expect to do better than last week. As the demands on my time slowly return to normal, I can begin slowly to move my attention and priorities back to personal pursuits and away from work projects. This week will be tough but it will also be better, and that is certainly something to look forward to.

This week I will:

 Write a book review for Ethics by Baruch Spinoza. One goal I had for this year was to write a book review for every book I read. I’ve already finished two books and if I don’t want to fall so far behind that I give up I need to get started this week. Of course they don’t have to be long, or even good, but they do have to get written and posted.

Update: There was simply no time for writing. I’m starting to sound like a broken record and even I am having a hard time believing my excuses. It really was a hard week, and I gave so much of myself up during my day job that there was nothing left in the evening to give to writing. I am going to do better.

 Read 100 pages of Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel García Márquez. I had hoped to finish half of the book last week but until my work-life schedule becomes a little more balanced, I can’t hope for so much time to myself. I was able to ready 75 pages last week. I think 100 isn’t too much to ask. Bonus: Finish As Kingfishers Catch Fire by Gerard Manley Hopkins.

Update: I made progress, but I didn’t hit my goal. I did finish As Kingfishers Catch Fire by Gerard Manley Hopkins and The Saga of Gunnlaug Serpent-tongue by Anonymous and if you up all the pages (minus the bonus book) I was only 20 short of reading 100 pages of something.

Eat one vegan meal. Before the holidays I was up to two or three meat-free meals a week but since then it has been hard for me to return to my old habits. Eventually I would like to go meatless Monday through Friday but I have to start slow and begin again.

Update: I made some delicious and easy roasted sweet potato and cauliflower tacos (with “chipotle cashew crema!). One vegan meal a week is good, and I’ll do my best to stick to it going forward but eventually I’d like to eat more meatless meals. I’d love recipe recommendations if you have any.

Work out three days this week. I was doing so well a few weeks ago but between my chronic illness and fatigue and the demanding work week I’ve hardly been able to remember to work out let alone get to a point where I can consciously avoid it. This week it is in the calendar with notifications turned on.

Update: Yeah, no, not even a little bit. I worked out zero days and I am beyond disappointed in myself. There really was no excuse. I just didn’t try hard enough.

Spend more time with my headphones in. Regulating my mood is hard when I’m tired or stressed so instead of trying to do it on my own and risking lashing out at coworkers and loved ones I’ll use the power of music instead, the best mood manager. Bonus: Catch up on my favorite podcasts too.

Update: I kept my headphones on hand the whole week and though I didn’t listen to a lot of music it was from lack of want rather than lack of time. There were just too many good podcast episodes I wanted to catch up on to make time for music. The point was to tune out and I definitely do that.

Stay hydrated. Drinking water is important for everyone but since I am taking so many medications and supplements every day I feel it is especially important that I fill and empty my water bottle a few times throughout the day. It will help with the headaches too I’m sure.

Update: I’ve been drinking a lot of Gatorade to stay hydrated and replenish electrolytes but there is so much added sugar and artificial flavors I know I have to get off of it but it’s going to take time to get used to water again. I stayed hydrated, I just didn’t drink water.

Get outside and into nature. The extended weather forecast is looking very nice, and I have been missing our old trails terribly. I think it’s time to get my hiking boots out, pack up the dog, and head toward the mountains. I just hope this winter hibernation hasn’t withered my endurance too much.

Update: I had hoped to take advantage of the early Spring-like weather we’d been having but the weekend got away from me and I never ended up making the proper preparations by the time Sunday rolled around. Luckily the forecast for the coming weekend is looking even better and I’ll have another chance at the trails.

Clean up the backyard. Spring is on the way and I have quite a list of home projects to complete before next winter rolls around. The dry and mild weather is a chance to get a jump on some of the projects I know I’m going to want to avoid later. Perhaps a “little at a time starting” strategy is better than “all at once whenever I have the energy and the will power”.

Update: It was nothing but pure and simple forgetfulness on my part. I obviously asked too much of myself last week and didn’t take into consideration at all how much I’ve been struggling just to get through the bare minimum I ask of myself every day.

This week I will not give up. It’s going to be hard but the light at the end of this work week is closer than most Mondays. I only have to get through four days of it and no amount of frustration, fatigue, or failure is going to stop me from putting one foot in front of the other and giving my best to every task I undertake and every person I meet.


P.S. For a look at how I fared last week check out my updated post for Week 03.

Photo by Byron Johnson on Unsplash

019//366

Thank god we have an extra day off from work this week because I am in no mood for chores or errands or any of my usual Sunday stuff. And anyway, it’s family day, so it’s not like I have the time.

Today will just have to exist outside of time. There will not only be no work but there will be no reading, no writing (besides this), no schedule, no learning, and definitely no cleaning, organizing, or planning. I won’t let myself worry about what I have to do, what I should be doing, or what would be best for me to do. It feels so good to rebel every once in a while, even against yourself.


Family day was wonderful. Seeing my sister, my brother and his wife, my niece and nephew, and their dogs was just what I needed to recalibrate my attitude. It feels good to be around people who really know you, accept you, love you. One of life’s greatest tragedies, I’m now convinced, is how much more time we’re forced to spend with coworkers, bosses, customers and clients than we get to spend with our loved ones because we have bills that need paying and health care that needs covering.

After family day we took my little sister on a run to the thrift store. We found some art for our bare walls, a glass container to use as a new terrarium, and, of course, a new book, a collection of three plays by Aristophanes.

Afterward I saw my mom for one of our hilarious and awkward visits. The past is such a hard place to revisit but it’s easier when you can hold hands, go there together, share the pain, be honest about it, laugh about it, and guide one another back out again with understanding. My heart is a little lighter than it was yesterday and that is an awesome and rare gift.