075 // I Want to Feel Like a Bride Too

We worked on a few wedding things tofay the most significant of which is that I may have finally figured out what I am wearing.

It’s hard being a genderqueer bride, you know? I don’t want to wear a dress but I still wantwto feel like a bride. I want to wear a suit that has a slightly feminine feel to it. I found a floral print suit I wanted, but it was out of stock. Then I thought about wearing pink but then we would have to change the bridesmaid’s dresses.

But then it occurred to me that, as a bride, I should simply wear white! I found a white suit but I’m still feeling anxious about it. The next step is measurement and alterations, and as a genderqueer woman who feels most comfortable wearing masculine coded clothing but who has a body that is curvy and feminine, trying to reconcile what I want to wear, and what I can wear can be frustrating and humiliating.

I wish the world wasn’t so segregated by gender. I wish that it was easier to find women’s clothes that fit men’s bodies, and men’s clothes that fit women’s bodies. I wish there was no such thing as men’s and women’s clothing at all, and that we could all find the clothes we want to wear in sizes that fit us comfortably. I wish I could be seen as a bride even though I won’t be wearing a dress, and I wish there were more places for me to go where I would be treated as normal and beautiful in my own right.

Sigh.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

074 // I’m Still Waiting

I was supposed to begin my new medication today but there were more complications at the pharmacy. Now, even though my doctor has ordered the medication and even though I have already done a cost analysis, the benefits department still has to take one more look just to make sure that, I dunno, they still want to pay for it or whatever.

I sat in the waiting area for half an hour only to be told it would be at least a few hours more. They would call me theytsaid. So, I left the pharmacy nearly in years and went back to work to wait anxiously by my phone and got no phone call at all. Now, I’m still waiting, still frustrated, still not on medication, and seriously considering changing course and going back to infusion medications for which financial support has been easier to navigate.

My night wasn’t much better. I made a grave scheduling mistake and we ended up driving across town for an event that doesn’t take place for another week. So, to help cope with my embarrassment and guilt I proceeded to overstuff myself with a double cheeseburger and a bag full of cajun fries for dinner. Afterward, we snuggled in on the couch and watched trashy TV dramas until I felt calm enough to put the day firmly behind me and head to bed.

Tomorrow has to be better.


P.S. I want to take a moment to acknowledge that this is my 100th post here and to say that while I have only just begun to work out what kind of space, this is it has already been an immense joy to have. Too much in fact, I’m afraid. It’s been a complete distraction as well and while I know eventually I’ll have to venture out from the warm comforting glow of this new place, I’m happy for now just to explore, to tweak, to write my foolish words, and to be ignored. Thank you all for reading.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

073 // Digging Ourselves Out

So, the city has dug itself out and tomorrow we’re all heading back to work and to ordinary life. Half of me is sad that our bomb cycling vacation has to end, half of me is a little excited to see my coworkers and my students. I want to hear how everyone fared and are the city for myself.

Being snowed in for two days sounds nice in theory and in practice it really wasn’t too bad, but I know if it had gone on any longer than that and I would have started to go a little stir crazy.

We actually weren’t snowed in so much as it just took forever to get out. The sun was out and the day warmed enough to turn the snow drifts to slush and the rest to pooled water. The snow was heavy and hard to move and by the time I got my cold and sore body back into the house I needed a hot shower, a heating pad, and a nap. There was no time left to get out in the world after that.

I did manage to get more of my medical frustrations sorted out and tomorrow I’ll start a new medication to treat my ulcerative colitis. I brought up the yoga mat, the pull-up bar, and the weights from the basement so I can finally start working out. I also enrolled in a new online course, Learning How to Learn, and finished week 2 of Social Norms, Social Change II. So, the day wasn’t completely wasted.

I want to keep the same momentum going tomorrow. I’m looking forward to an early start, a light workload, and a good writing day.

P.S. I want to wish you all a very happy Pi Day. Pi Day is one of my very favorite holidays but, sadly, the winter storm prevented me from acquiring the necessary ingredients and I was unable to bake my own. Next year I plan to plan much more in advance.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

072 // Tomorrow Has Been Canceled, Again

The storm was everything they predicted it would be. The rain started very early in the morning while it was still dark. It wasn’t a hard rain, more of a drizzle, but slowly as the morning wore on it froze as it fell and by the time I was making my second cup of coffee the big flakes were blowing.

By lunch, I started to worry. The wind was whipping around the house hard and the snow was piling up around the house and sticking to all the windows. I refreshed the news and realized that conditions were deteriorating rapidly all over the city. Businesses were without power, all the highways closed, the airport canceled every flight in or out, and our Governor declared an emergency.

It was bad, but so far we have fared well. We hunkered down and spent the day watching movies the best we could while we had internet and napping or reading when we didn’t. We waited all day for the power to go out but, thankfully, we were among the lucky ones and it never did.

A few hours ago the chaos outside finally calmed. We watched the news anxiously all afternoon hoping to see that we would get another snow day tomorrow, but it wasn’t until I had just given up and resigned myself to having to venture out and dig a path to the car that they announced it. Tomorrow has been canceled once again. 

Maybe I’ll try to get more writing done this time.



These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

071 // Tomorrow Has Been Canceled

It was 60 degrees outside today. The sun was shining and with the time change it finally felt like Spring was on the way, and then the weather reports for tomorrow poured in and hour by hour it got worse and worse. Today was Spring, and tomorrow the schools are already closed for a snow day. 

The whole city is shutting down, and many more across the state too. Tomorrow has been canceled so I’ll be staying in again, which means I’m staying up tonight, because, well, I don’t want to waste a second of this gift.

I’ll watch the storm roll in. I’m waiting for the rain now so I can fall asleep with the sound against my window. Tomorrow I’ll set up near the big living room window and count the inches as they accumulate.

I learned today that the lower the pressure of a storm, the stronger the storm is, and we will see some of the lowest pressure readings in the state’s history. A rare treat it seems. The storm will be “roughly equivalent to a Category 2 hurricane” only with snow instead of rain.

I’m actually a little scared, but kind of excited too, and very relieved that I’ll get to ride it out from inside.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

070 // Staying In

Went to bed last night feeling like a cold was coming on. I had a sore throat, I felt pressure in my sinuses and ears, my breathing was difficult, and I had a cough. So, in the morning I made the decision to stay in for plenty of rest and fluids, just in case.

Well, of course I feel all better now and I’m regarding my own body suspiciously. Is it possible I made it all up without knowing? Could I have been in so desperate a need for a mental day that my body manufactured a sickness all on it own to keep me home? It might sound crazy but it’s honestly more likely than my immune system was strong enough to fight off a cold before it got nasty. That just never happens.


I spent the day doing blog things. I tweaked my “About” and “Contact” pages. My “Now” page will go live tomorrow and hopefully my “Completed MOOCs” and “People I’m studying” lists too. I started a draft for the next Weekend Coffee Share and for my review of One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel García Márquez. By the week’s end I hope to have a real writing portfolio started too!

In the evening we worked out a few wedding things. We got the application for our ceremony site permit filled out and sent off, emailed all the first choice caterers, finalized the guest list, and made a to-do list to get me through the end of the month. We’re freaking out but we’re holding each other accountable. We promised each other that wedding work would be done every day, no matter how tired, overwhelmed, or terrified we feel!


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

069 // Only Half Failed

Sunday again, my old foe. I’ve wasted so much of it and I’m not even sorry. Yes, I am, but I’m trying not to be. It’s not my fault. Sundays make it hard to be productive by being so nice in themselves but being so close to Monday that they are resented for the association.

So, I tried, and only half failed so I’m not mad. The day is simply set up for failure.

But tomorrow will be different, I hope. I already know I won’t have as much time to myself as I need but I’m promising to do good work nonetheless. I’ll muster all the enthusiasm it takes and be sure to save a little over so that when the work is done there’ll be something left for me.



These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren