076 // A Body That Won’t Cooperate

I’m feeling awful today. My head, my stomach, my whole body! And I’m so tired. I got nothing done and now I’ll have to spend tomorrow trying to redo today.

I guess that’s not so bad, as long as I actually feel better. Either way, I will do my best and then I’ll do just a bit more. I want to hit the ground running this week and get some shit done this week. I don’t have time for this chronic illness crap. It’s so frustrating to be inside of a body that can’t, or won’t, cooperate.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

If We Were Having Coffee // The Storm Before the Calm

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

I’m feeling slow today. I had some energy for the first hour or so after I woke, but I’ve fallen sharply downhill since. I’m sure I need a nap, and that there is not enough caffeine in this house to chase the need away, but I’m also sure I’m going to fight it anyway. Sleep has been hard to come by at night. Caffeine has nothing on anxiety, and a nap will only make things harder.

So, I’ll stay up and chat with you instead. I’ll open the blinds and let the sun in and pour us cup after cup and tell you everything that’s happened this past week.

Through drowsiness, your body is telling you that you need to rest. By drinking a caffeinated drink, you are telling it to go to hell.

― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I started this week off by deciding not to start it at all. Sunday night I went to bed feeling as though I’d come down with a cold. I had a sore throat, a cough, I was feeling fatigued and my head was full of pressure. I was convinced I was sick and decided even before I drifted off that I would take the next day off in order to rest right away and get well sooner.

When I woke early Monday, I’m not sure I felt sickly so much as I was just tired, but I still felt the conviction from the night before and called in sick convinced I was on my way to a bad cold. Then, hours later, I woke again and found that I felt perfectly fine.

I have no explanation except that either I was coming down with something and fought it off while I slept, or perhaps my mind manufactured a cold so that I would take the action I needed but felt too guilty to take. As in, I needed a mental day and my mind made it happen. It’s possible I think.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you I was delighted to return to work on Tuesday and find that much of the work my team had been trying to complete was already done. I helped wrap up a few loose ends and then spent my free time outside to soak up the sudden spring-like weather we were having.

By mid-afternoon that same day anxiety was running high across the entire state. The rolling weather reports for the next day were so unreal we laughed them off. Our phones were buzzing with blizzard warnings and by early evening we have received notice that schools across the state would be closed and all Coloradoans were advised to stay indoors the next day.

Wednesday morning the rain started and for a time we thought the storm wouldn’t turn out as bad as predicted, but by lunch, the storm had become something we’d never seen before. Soon the whole city was shut down, including all our major highways and every airport runway. Downed trees, power outages, and severe car accidents, were being reported and a multi-day recovery was expected and we were given an additional snow day to assess the damage and dig out.

Compared to others we fared pretty well. Our internet was spotty all day, but we never lost power. Our trees and our fences held up but our mailbox is at a slight tilt now. The snow at the bottom of our front step was up to my knees and clearing out sidewalks and driveway was a painful chore I am still recovering from.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that while we were snowed in, I took the opportunity to do some small blog things.

I have a new Now page up to keep track not just of what I am doing now, but what my priorities are and what opportunities I am open to and I created an MOOC page to keep track of and share all the great massive open online courses I’m taking. I also revamped my Portfolio. I didn’t add anything but I hope to soon.

I’m working on a few more pages like these, and like my Am Reading page and my 100 Dreams page. I have a page drafted for all the people I want to study, and another drafted for “Site Notes’, a detailed explanation not of who I am but what this blog is.

I’d like this blog to be a recording and inventory of my life and who I am, all my thoughts and everything I do. I want it to be fully mine and I want to pour myself fully into it.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the rest of the week was rather uneventful. It was strange to return on Friday after two days away and one from a whole week off. No one felt like being there, not even the kids. No one asked for more than the bare minimum and we all did our best to get along and get through it. 

On Saturday I got to see my dad. I haven’t seen him since before the holidays since our schedules never seem to agree. We went to my favorite Mexican place and caught each other up on everything we’ve been up to, work and wedding planning mostly. He’s excited for us and was encouraging when we expressed how overwhelmed we’ve been. It was a good visit.

As for the rest of the weekend, I’ve been feeling more and more fatigued so I’ve been taking it easy, resting when I needed and doing what I can when I can around the house.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you I’m taking tomorrow off from work again. It’s Spring break so my route isn’t running and I really want to enjoy a little of it at least. I wanted to take the whole week off, but the truth is, with all the snow days, the mental health days, and a very expensive wedding coming up soon, I just can’t afford to stay home and play writer right now.

So, I’ll go to work but maybe I’ll find my own little pleasures and take my tiny vacations where I can. Maybe I’ll go in late and leave a little early, and maybe I’ll take long lunches in the sun since the Spring is forecasted to arrive this week. I’m looking forward to it. This winter has taken a toll on me. All winters take their toll on me.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I can feel myself losing the battle against sleep. The couch is calling and I long to put on an old movie to nod off to. It looks like I’ll be spending my extra day off doing all the things I should have done today.

Oh well, I hope you had a good week and that wherever you are you weren’t in the path of that nasty winter storm and if you were I hope spring will be on the way soon. I hope you made some progress in whatever way you needed to, and if you didn’t I hope you know you can always start again.

Until next time. 


Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

075 // I Want to Feel Like a Bride Too

We worked on a few wedding things tofay the most significant of which is that I may have finally figured out what I am wearing.

It’s hard being a genderqueer bride, you know? I don’t want to wear a dress but I still wantwto feel like a bride. I want to wear a suit that has a slightly feminine feel to it. I found a floral print suit I wanted, but it was out of stock. Then I thought about wearing pink but then we would have to change the bridesmaid’s dresses.

But then it occurred to me that, as a bride, I should simply wear white! I found a white suit but I’m still feeling anxious about it. The next step is measurement and alterations, and as a genderqueer woman who feels most comfortable wearing masculine coded clothing but who has a body that is curvy and feminine, trying to reconcile what I want to wear, and what I can wear can be frustrating and humiliating.

I wish the world wasn’t so segregated by gender. I wish that it was easier to find women’s clothes that fit men’s bodies, and men’s clothes that fit women’s bodies. I wish there was no such thing as men’s and women’s clothing at all, and that we could all find the clothes we want to wear in sizes that fit us comfortably. I wish I could be seen as a bride even though I won’t be wearing a dress, and I wish there were more places for me to go where I would be treated as normal and beautiful in my own right.

Sigh.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

074 // I’m Still Waiting

I was supposed to begin my new medication today but there were more complications at the pharmacy. Now, even though my doctor has ordered the medication and even though I have already done a cost analysis, the benefits department still has to take one more look just to make sure that, I dunno, they still want to pay for it or whatever.

I sat in the waiting area for half an hour only to be told it would be at least a few hours more. They would call me theytsaid. So, I left the pharmacy nearly in years and went back to work to wait anxiously by my phone and got no phone call at all. Now, I’m still waiting, still frustrated, still not on medication, and seriously considering changing course and going back to infusion medications for which financial support has been easier to navigate.

My night wasn’t much better. I made a grave scheduling mistake and we ended up driving across town for an event that doesn’t take place for another week. So, to help cope with my embarrassment and guilt I proceeded to overstuff myself with a double cheeseburger and a bag full of cajun fries for dinner. Afterward, we snuggled in on the couch and watched trashy TV dramas until I felt calm enough to put the day firmly behind me and head to bed.

Tomorrow has to be better.


P.S. I want to take a moment to acknowledge that this is my 100th post here and to say that while I have only just begun to work out what kind of space, this is it has already been an immense joy to have. Too much in fact, I’m afraid. It’s been a complete distraction as well and while I know eventually I’ll have to venture out from the warm comforting glow of this new place, I’m happy for now just to explore, to tweak, to write my foolish words, and to be ignored. Thank you all for reading.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

073 // Digging Ourselves Out

So, the city has dug itself out and tomorrow we’re all heading back to work and to ordinary life. Half of me is sad that our bomb cycling vacation has to end, half of me is a little excited to see my coworkers and my students. I want to hear how everyone fared and are the city for myself.

Being snowed in for two days sounds nice in theory and in practice it really wasn’t too bad, but I know if it had gone on any longer than that and I would have started to go a little stir crazy.

We actually weren’t snowed in so much as it just took forever to get out. The sun was out and the day warmed enough to turn the snow drifts to slush and the rest to pooled water. The snow was heavy and hard to move and by the time I got my cold and sore body back into the house I needed a hot shower, a heating pad, and a nap. There was no time left to get out in the world after that.

I did manage to get more of my medical frustrations sorted out and tomorrow I’ll start a new medication to treat my ulcerative colitis. I brought up the yoga mat, the pull-up bar, and the weights from the basement so I can finally start working out. I also enrolled in a new online course, Learning How to Learn, and finished week 2 of Social Norms, Social Change II. So, the day wasn’t completely wasted.

I want to keep the same momentum going tomorrow. I’m looking forward to an early start, a light workload, and a good writing day.

P.S. I want to wish you all a very happy Pi Day. Pi Day is one of my very favorite holidays but, sadly, the winter storm prevented me from acquiring the necessary ingredients and I was unable to bake my own. Next year I plan to plan much more in advance.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

072 // Tomorrow Has Been Canceled, Again

The storm was everything they predicted it would be. The rain started very early in the morning while it was still dark. It wasn’t a hard rain, more of a drizzle, but slowly as the morning wore on it froze as it fell and by the time I was making my second cup of coffee the big flakes were blowing.

By lunch, I started to worry. The wind was whipping around the house hard and the snow was piling up around the house and sticking to all the windows. I refreshed the news and realized that conditions were deteriorating rapidly all over the city. Businesses were without power, all the highways closed, the airport canceled every flight in or out, and our Governor declared an emergency.

It was bad, but so far we have fared well. We hunkered down and spent the day watching movies the best we could while we had internet and napping or reading when we didn’t. We waited all day for the power to go out but, thankfully, we were among the lucky ones and it never did.

A few hours ago the chaos outside finally calmed. We watched the news anxiously all afternoon hoping to see that we would get another snow day tomorrow, but it wasn’t until I had just given up and resigned myself to having to venture out and dig a path to the car that they announced it. Tomorrow has been canceled once again. 

Maybe I’ll try to get more writing done this time.



These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

071 // Tomorrow Has Been Canceled

It was 60 degrees outside today. The sun was shining and with the time change it finally felt like Spring was on the way, and then the weather reports for tomorrow poured in and hour by hour it got worse and worse. Today was Spring, and tomorrow the schools are already closed for a snow day. 

The whole city is shutting down, and many more across the state too. Tomorrow has been canceled so I’ll be staying in again, which means I’m staying up tonight, because, well, I don’t want to waste a second of this gift.

I’ll watch the storm roll in. I’m waiting for the rain now so I can fall asleep with the sound against my window. Tomorrow I’ll set up near the big living room window and count the inches as they accumulate.

I learned today that the lower the pressure of a storm, the stronger the storm is, and we will see some of the lowest pressure readings in the state’s history. A rare treat it seems. The storm will be “roughly equivalent to a Category 2 hurricane” only with snow instead of rain.

I’m actually a little scared, but kind of excited too, and very relieved that I’ll get to ride it out from inside.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren