Tag: May 2020

I didn’t get around to setting my goals for the week. I may not set them at all. I want to have a week of freedom from expectation, especially my own. Perhaps I need a break every once in a while from all the things I (think I) want to do. I want to do nothing. I want to not think so much or worry so much. I want to be a little more here an now, a little more focused on what is material and real, what I can control.

The upside is I feel like taking care of myself a little more. I’m walking and exercising more, eating better, and taking my meds. Getting up on time is easier and I feel less anxious about how I should spend the days. Moving, cleaning, taking care of things, this may be what I need most now.

Still, even if I’m not doing it I’m thinking about writing and there is a chance that that is the real goal. Maybe I just need to do more in order to create more and with so few ways to experience or explore the world I have to delve into dark corners of the yard and the basement and fish out what inspiration I can find there instead. It’s sad, but inspiring. There is a part of me that is trying to thrive even in these uncertain and confining conditions.

Today I am grateful for:

1. My new phone. It got delivered today, and it’s as awesome as I hoped it would be. I didn’t need it, but it’s been a long time since I’ve upgraded and this was a little congratulatory gift to myself for the promotion.
2. Overnight oats and chia pudding. I’m trying to eat healthier and while the snacks are a hurdle I have yet to overcome, I’ve got breakfast in the bag. When I’m not eating chia pudding (the oats are for my wife) I have fresh fruit and sunflower or almond butter instead.
3. Walking without my phone. I always want to take my phone on walks because I want to option of listening to music and I don’t want to miss any great photo opportunities but walking without my phone has forced me to be present, to look around, and to get to know and appreciate my neighborhood.

I woke to thick fog outside this morning as the moisture left behind from last night’s rainstorm evaporating in the rising sunshine. I started the day with a quick shower and rather than a walk I did a quick but effective warm up followed by a few each of lunges, squats, and bicep curls. I’m still taking it easy on my knees while I wait to order a second compression sleeve, but I’m trying to do some activity every day so I can get ready for a short hiking trip in a week or so.

This Sunday is a strange one. I don’t feel like doing my usual Sunday thing, so I won’t. I want to be up doing projects sround the house and cleaning out corners that haven’t been touched in years. I guess the season is really getting to me. Nothing feels more important than this house, not writing, not reading, and definitely not learning. I feel guilty for it but I suppose I would no matter what I did.

I think I just miss going work and taking care of the house is the closest I can get to that feeling I used to get after a hard but satisfying work day. It’s a funny thing to learn about yourself. That day job you resented and thought was getting in the way of your dreams and fulfillment iturns out to be the things you end up missing more than anything. Your hobbies are still your hobbies and your work is as necessary as love.

Pages: 1 2

I was woken up early by the dog loudly announcing packages were being delivered. It was infuriating but effective.

My new compression sleeve came early this morning and before breakfast I was back out walking around the neighborhood. When I came home, I tried some squats and lunges and felt my other knee protesting so I think I will buy another and accept the fact that my joints are never going to be what they once were, not that they were ever what they should have been in the first place.

I’ve decided to do half of my weekend chores on Saturdays instead of being lazy all day and saving it all for Sunday and by the time the walk was done and all the cleaning too, I was too tired to do any real writing. I did manage to finally finish reading Borne by Jeff VanderMeer after nearly a month of struggling. I’m happy it’s done. I loved the message, but I struggled to suspend belief and fully immerse myself in the world VanderMeer had created.

I’m going to quickly finish a Penguin Little Black Classic or two to catch up to where I should be by now and then start a stint of women writers only for a while.

---

I thought Friday nights were getting depressing, but Saturday nights are even worse. I’m bored out of my mind and so is my wife. I long to go out somewhere and be among people so badly. Not being able to work is one thing. It’s a bummer, but it was still work so I’m not too eager to go back, but restaurants? Movie theaters? Bars? These I miss to my core.

It helps to change the scenery, position and perspective. So, we’re back in the bedroom watching TV and listening to a faint thunderstorm roll in and out around us. It’s soothing enough to allow me to forget.

Pages: 1 2

Today is a productive one, but not at all in the way I thought it would be. I went to bed meaning to wake up early to write, but when I got out of bed, the last thing I wanted was to be trapped behind that desk. I spent the morning doing some cleaning and taking care of my pets and plants. It’s more fulfilling sometimes to see the fruits of your labor, to look around and see that you have changed something.

My knee is feeling much better, but I can tell already I’m overdoing it. I do this every time. As soon as I feel even a tiny bit better, I go and set back all my healing by pretending it never happened. I never have the patience my body needs and it never has the strength I wish it did. Obviously we working against each other.

---

Friday nights are quickly becoming the most depressing time of the week. The weather is so warm and all I want to do is have a few drinks with a few good friends on the patio of a packed bar downtown and instead I’m stuck inside binge-watching old episodes of Six Feet Under because there’s nothing else on.

It’s not all bad though, now. My wife and I had the brilliant idea to move the “creativity room” TV into the bedroom where it’s cooler and to pour a couple glasses of amaretto. My knee is propped up on an ice pack but not so much because it’s hurt but as a preventative. I’d really like to go for a nice long walk tomorrow.

Pages: 1 2