166 // Gay Day! Gay Day!

I’m not up as early as I’d hoped to be (the story of my life) but I at least got going the moment I got out of bed. I’m spending the morning doing some more pampering—face masks, nail painting, shaving, teeth whitening—before we join all the other beautiful queers downtown for celebration.

We have a whole gay day planned. We’ll have our best gay friends with us to do some shopping, drinking, eating, exploring, and later more drinks and dancing throughout the rest of the night.

I’m excited for tomorrow too when, I hope, we’ll head back downtown again to see the parade. It’s been 50 years since the Stonewall riots, we have a gay Governor, and, for the first time, we have a pride flag hanging from the state capitol. I want to see it. I want to go and be a part of all that progress and joy.

While I agree with Marsha P. Johnson, the revolutionary LGBTQ rights activist, when she said, “As long as gay people don’t have their rights all across America, there’s no reason for celebration.” I do think we need a day to love and celebrate who we are because no one else is going to do that.

Today, we will celebrate, tomorrow, we will remember, and when the weekend is over, we’ll get back to doing the work.

165 // It’s Going to Be Wonderful

I had originally planned not to go into work today but this is one of the few weeks where I can get more hours than usual and I didn’t want to pass up the opportunity to make a little more money. I regretted the decision the moment I walked through the door.

Things were tense at work in preparation for a big meeting with the big boss. All around me minds were working out loud to predict the conversation and plot the outcome. All wanted to tell it like it is, make an impression, and somehow someway find the dignity they’d been missing, I guess. I couldn’t help, and I couldn’t handle it, so I went home early.

This evening has been amazing! We’ve had perhaps too good of a time and now we’re off to bed early without having finished out planned self-care/home spa routine in preparation for Pridefest tomorrow. Oh well, if I head to sleep now there’s a real chance I’ll be able to pull myself out of bed early enough to write and get ready.

The weekend is here and I can already tell it’s going to be wonderful.

164 // Outraged and Angry

Today someone I am attached to professionally violated some established social norms in a spectacular and offensive way, while I was in the room. I did nothing wrong, and I did my best to keep out of the fray but though the violator wasn’t aware, or perhaps didn’t care, I felt the eyes of the room and the wave of disappointment, anger, and disapproval falling on him, and me by association.

I was mad at the violator for the outburst the same as everyone else in the room, but I was also angered by my lack of control over the situation. Suddenly the way I was being viewed had nothing to do with me. Suddenly someone else was acting and speaking for me.

My anxiety has over the years turned me into someone who moves deliberately and with forethought. I rely on my friends and coworkers to give me the space I need to control the world’s perception of me and this person took that away.

I watched, outraged and angry, as he initiated a chaotic situation and acted in ways that left the outcome uncertain. He left me with no choices. He left me with no way to reassert my place or my boundaries. He left me exposed and with no way to salvage anything for myself. This, for me, is his true offense.

I don’t know how I can forgive it.

163 // There Has to be More

I’m fortunate enough to work for a district that is big, dense, and well financed. I’m fortunate enough to work in a place that is at the forefront of compliance, knowledge, and implementation of laws and best practice recommendation too, but because we are often the first or the best, there is little room for me to go out and learn from others. Of course, some would say that I should be the one teaching then, but I already do that every day. What I want is a chance to learn. I need is to be challenged.

Today I took a class I hoped to take something, anything new out of and instead I was presented with the same slides and materials I had been studying and teaching for years. I’m glad that others in the class were able to learn something new but I’m exceedingly disappointed that I wasn’t.

Tomorrow I’m taking another class and hoping for another chance at a challenge, but if I once again walk away with what I arrived with I will certainly devote much more of my time elsewhere to find the pieces we are missing and taking the teaching upon myself. There has to be more to know than this.

162 // Easy Peasy

I’m feeling much better this morning than I was yesterday, not just physically but emotionally too. I’m lighthearted and happy, willing to make jokes and to take a joke too. I woke on time but took my time getting ready for work. I arrived when I was ready, not when they wanted me. Luckily I’m largely unsupervised this week and as long as the work gets done no one will mind.

I actually spent most of the day working on wedding things. The officiant script is looking largely done and we’ve made considerable progress on the playlists. We have more supplies for the DIY backdrop and pretty gold paint for the grid panel and the candle holders. I have a couple of emails to send as well but my anxiety is asking that we wait until tomorrow.

After heading home early again I cleaned up some and got ready to head out again to enjoy some fresh air and sunshine while I watch my wife play a couple games of kickball. I wish the whole team good luck!

161 // Get Myself to Sleep

The day was all wrong from the start. The problem is, I went to bed far too late last night, again, and woke up feeling exhausted and groggy, just as I knew I would. I take responsibility for those choices and can honestly say, despite the consequences, I don’t regret a single thing.

So, I won’t dwell on the past or pretend to beat myself up. I’ll simply deal with the fallout the best I can—with strong coffee and a brisk walk or two to keep the blood flowing—and keep my mind on the light at the end of the workday tunnel.

The end of the day came, and it hit me hard. I struggled to stay awake all day in my conference class and as soon as I got home I wanted to crash out on the couch but I knew I couldn’t. I had resolved to start cooking at home again and put off the habit change too long. Food would start going bad if I didn’t get in the kitchen tonight.

I did it but I hated it and now my mood is soured.

I just need to sleep. I just need to get myself to sleep.

I’d considered staying home tomorrow since the three days of classes I’m taking (the one today and two others on Wednesday and Thursday) will be long but I cannot pass up the hours, no matter how tempting the rest would be.

I just need to get myself to sleep now…

160 // Sunday Night Blues

So much for an early night. The nap I took earlier is making it hard to want to go to bed now and knowing this is the last bit of weekend I have left for the next five days is making it hard to care. Sunday nights are the worst of the week and this one feels more depressing than most.

We bought a few wedding DIY supplies today and I’m bummed I’ll have long hours to work tomorrow instead of getting to come home and make pretty things for my big day. I’m not looking forward to the conference either though I am grateful for the opportunity to learn and do something new.

I’d rather be writing but I know deep down that if I did have the time I probably wouldn’t use it. My focus has been off and my motivation low. I’ll test myself instead and promise to do what I can with what I have wherever I am. I have my phone, my pens, and a notepad too. That’s all I need to write.

We’ll see what I do.

If We Were Having Coffee // Celebrate Your Beautiful Selves

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

I’m sorry for the late meeting but I had some early wedding things to do and pressing preparations to make for our upcoming Pridefest plans. After I got home from the appointments, shopping, and family visits I inadvertently fell asleep for over an hour. When I woke up (with a headache, a stomachache, and some doubts about what time or day it was) cooking dinner was out of the question. So, there was a quick run for beer and hot wings and then a new episode of HBO’s Big Little Lies, and now I am finally ready for a small cup of strong coffee and a bit of vanilla bean ice cream to go with.

So, quickly now, pull up a chair and fill up a cup. I’ve got a gorgeous new white moka pot I’ve been experimenting with and I think I finally have the right technique down. Let’s talk about last week.

“Black as night, sweet as sin.”

— Neil Gaiman, Anansi Boys

If we were having coffee I would apologize for missing our chat last Sunday. I’ll be honest with you, I have no good excuse for not being here. I didn’t have any critical commitments, and I wasn’t at all sick. I just haven’t been feeling like myself lately.

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been feeling unmotivated and irritated. I’ve felt really tired and doing anything, even the things I love, got harder and harder to do as the days wore on. Last Sunday, no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t get up the motivation to finish typing up the post no matter how much I wanted to and I promise you I wanted to very much.

The problem is fatigue. I feel a strange exhaustion in my limbs and behind my eyes that I just can’t shake. Though it’s true, I haven’t been sleeping well I know that this kind of tired needs more than a good night’s rest. I think my medicine, though it’s working and keeping my ulcerative colitis in remission, is also making me feel rather cruddy.

My doctor mentioned months ago exploring the idea of lowering the dose of one medication and I’ve noticed many in my IBD support groups going down to a lower dose on the second medication I’m on. I think it’s time I put my anxiety aside and ask her to consider the option. I’d love to find out who I am with less of this stuff in my body.

If we were having coffee, I would lighten the mood and tell you that this weekend marks the beginning of a very important month for me, pride month! This year’s pride marks 50 years since the Stonewall riots in New York City and the beginning of the LGBT Rights movement in the United States.

Most years we either do a night out with friends or catch the parade just the two of us but this year we are going to do it all. This year we’ll visit the festival during the day to check out some shows, and then head to our favorite LGBT friendly restaurant for burgers and beers. That evening we’re going to get some much-needed dancing and drinking in. On Sunday we may meet late again since I’ll be up early for the parade and brunch, the gayest meal of the day. I have a new outfit and a great and diverse group of friends to celebrate my beautiful self with. I cannot wait!

The rest of the day will be devoted to dads though we’ve made no concrete Father’s Day plans or gifts. I’ve been so last minute on everything this year, sigh. 

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that wedding planning is going well. We got a few more of our decor items in the mail and many of my accessories are on the way. We got the budget under control and we found out that we may have a few extra dollars in the savings to splurge in new areas we thought we couldn’t. We may get to have a real DJ and a couple nights at an Airbnb nearby. 

Today’s visit with the photographer went really well! This was the first time we met her and we already like her. She seems to understand what we want, and she’s flexible enough to deal with our indecision. We have yet to meet the second photographer but just knowing we have her and our amazing planner has me breathing a big sigh of relief. 

The big issues now are transportation—of us and of all the pretty decor things we have made—and that serious lack of guests RSVPing. I’m almost hurt. I am hurt, but we have a few friends we had to leave out due to the venue capacities that might want to make it. I wonder what my relationship with those who declined will be like after the big day, after the most important day and they didn’t show up.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the coming week will be a busy one. I’m attending another conference though only for three days this time. I’m looking forward to it but because my job sent nearly everyone in our department it feels a little pointless for me to be there, but what do I care? I get paid by the hour and this is at least a chance to do something new.

The only drawback is that I won’t be getting home as early as I was and writing and reading time will take a significant hit. Not that I have been doing a great job lately, anyway. I have been cleaning up my Simplenote app and organizing some of my old ideas into new possibilities. I’ve decided to start an essay a week project in July and without a good place to keep things organized and to hold my thoughts as they occur to me I know I’m doomed to fail.

I don’t know yet if every essay will be posted here, or if I want to write some for Zen and Pi, my old blog I’ve been trying to work out how to revive, or if they will be pitched to other publications. My instincts tell me that for now, these pieces are going to suck and this place is where I give myself permission to suck.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that as much as I love chatting with you here it is getting late and if I want to have any chance of a good night’s sleep and any hope of a good morning I had better head to bed. 

I hope that you had a good week and that whatever you hoped to get done you were able. I hope you found time for yourself and that some of that weight you carry has been lifted somehow. I hope all my queer readers stay safe and I hope wherever you are you are able to celebrate your beautiful self soon too.

Thank you for chatting, for being an ear, a shoulder, and a sounding board.

Until next time. 

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Featured image via domestikate

159 // Roles Reversed

I’m used to being the one who is up early on the weekends. I get up, make my coffee, make us breakfast, and make sure that my fiance gets up to eat and start her day. I get the cleaning done, and I get some writing done—if I can—but lately the roles have been reversed.

Now she gets up and goes for walks with the dog and wakes me when she returns. She makes sure I eat and this morning she cleaned most of the house. It feels good to be the one being waited on but it feels bad too. It feels good to have someone who understands that I haven’t been feeling great and who understands the work still has to get done even if I can’t do it, but it feels bad too.

I’ve been drinking cups of coffee and tweaking the blog. I’ve been posting the journal drafts I had half-written and starting posts for the coming week. Soon I’ll eat lunch and reverse the roles again. I’ll get up and get the laundry started and the kitchen cleaned. She, I imagine will rest for the rest of the afternoon and I will get a chance to take care of her. I imagine that will feel rather good.

These entries are inspired by TDH.se

158 // The Best All Week

I thought this week would never end! I’m feeling much happier today and hoping to get back to work on my personal and writing goals today. The atmosphere at work is always a little laxer on Fridays. Not much gets done, not much is expected, and many of us spend the day socializing, going out to lunch, and leaving early. I plan to take advantage of the relaxed oversight and my improved mood to get back on track before the weekend.

So, that didn’t work out. I ended up socializing and going out to lunch right along with everyone else and just I got home the thunderstorms started rolling in and put me right to sleep. After a dinner of beer and leftover pizza, I spent the rest of the night cuddling up on the couch with my wife-to-be and finishing up the first season of Pose, the available episodes of Handmaid’s Tale, and the third season of Black Mirror.

It was a good day. The best all week.

P.S. After sending them back nearly a month ago for resizing our engagement rings finally made it back to us this afternoon. I’m ecstatic to say that my ring fits perfectly now and I love it even more than I did when I first received it. I finally feel like a bride again.

These entries are inspired by TDH.se