Tag: Sundayblogshare

If We Were Having Coffee // I Could Only Do So Much

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

We’re having afternoon rather than morning coffee this week because I’m being lazy and moving slow today. I’m feeling unmotivated and easily distracted but not necessarily in a bad way. I’m doing something like productive procrastination. It’s one of those days where you catch up on podcasts, update blog things, and browse the work of others looking for new ideas and ways of doing things. It’s the kind of day you spend doing important things that never feel very important when you have the energy to do the work.

But I’ve had a cup or two of cold brew by now and I’m feeling a lot more social than when I first woke up. So, please, pull up and chair and fill up a cup. Let’s talk about last week.

“I used that black magical elixir as amulet against all bad things and thoughts for that day. On the other hand, it was a liquid talisman for everybody else, to save them from being strangled by me.”

— Mladen Đorđević, Svetioničar – Vesnici oluje

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this week was a long one. I knew it was going to be a busy one, but it still was more than I had expected. Monday was just about the only day I had any free time for me—for reading, for writing, for learning. I did my best to make the most of it but it never works out that my want to be productive and my ability to be productive coincide. I tried, though I admit, not my best.

The rest of the week I was busy either on my route, training new employees or moving more things from my old workspace to my the new building across the parking lot. I did my best to be enthusiastic but fatigue hit me hard this week. Between the gloomy weather we’ve been having, the lack of sleep I’ve been getting, and the new and mysterious pain radiating through my lower back I could only do so much. I was grouchy, distant, and irritable.

By Friday I was on the verge of an unprofessional outburst so I planned to spend the day hiding behind my desk avoiding eye contact and social interaction but the shift to warmer and sunnier weather and the fact that most of my coworkers had the day off resulted in a mood shift for the better. I actually laughed and worked well into overtime without once feeling resentful or tired. It was the most Friday like Friday I’ve had in a long time.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the mood slump meant very little wedding planning got done too. I know that I am procrastinating because I am panicking but no matter how much I try to pull myself out of my fear and my worry I just can’t seem to get it together. I spent the day organizing my to-do list and setting some goal to meet before the end of the week.

I have to find a place to get my suit tailored. I know alterations can take weeks to months to complete and I only have 2 1/2 months left to go. The main thing holding me back is not knowing where to start my search and my fear of being turned away because I’m a queer woman.

I also have to start writing up our officiant’s ceremony script and outlining our custom vows. My cousin, the one who introduced us nearly 17 years ago, is going to be the one to marry us, but she has never officiated a wedding before and I know if I don’t get her a script soon she is going to start freaking out.

Additionally, I have to send back our custom engagement rings to be resized. We got them in the mail over a week ago and we love them so much but sadly both are about one size too big. We hate to part with them and we’re worried something will go wrong along the way and we won’t have them in time for the big day. I also have to send back a suit I ordered that just didn’t work.

And finally, I am going to design some very simple table numbers, menu cars, bar signs, and seating cards for the reception. Whew!

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I have no idea what the coming week will bring. I’m hoping for a break. I’m hoping for just a few small projects and the flexibility and freedom to do them while I write, or read, or catch up on a few lessons. I’m hoping for low expectations but my hopes aren’t too high.

We’re getting closer and closer to the end of the school year and that means all the big projects have to be wrapped up, the buses and the terminals have to be cleaned, and all the equipment needs to be returned. It means we have to get ready to shift to summer quite quickly. People forget there are still a lot of kids who attend classes and programs during the summer months.

We all have to bid new routes or find alternative sources of income until August. It’s always a stressful time for those who work in school transportation because we aren’t guaranteed work and thus, not guaranteed an income.

I’m one of the lucky ones. Not only do I have high seniority but I also have the ability to work in other departments. I typically give up my summer route slot and opt to work cleaning equipment and training other employees so that someone below me might get work they otherwise wouldn’t. Still, I’m just as anxious as anyone else. There are no guarantees for me either.

Next week between wedding planning, writing, and my usual work, I have to make a little time to get a jump on cleaning my bus and getting ready for the work I will do through August. My bosses like to have a list of projects my team and I will complete to justify the hours we’ll be paid.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that between the work and the wedding and the writing I am trying to enjoy the changing season too. The cherry blossoms are blooming beautifully everywhere I turn and their fragrance is simply divine! We’ve had a lot of gloomy rainy weather lately but when the sun comes out, it’s really something. Everything changes in me and the world seems suddenly worth exploring again.

Sadly, we are looking at another week of clouds and rain (and maybe even a bit of snow!) but it’s okay. I know summer is almost here. I know the heat and the thunderstorms are on the way. I know there will be warm mornings in which to jog and sweltering nights to spend on the patios of bars. I’m only sad it’s taking so long to get here, but it’s getting here, and I can wait.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the sun is low in the west and the time to switch from coffee to alcohol has come. It’s time to start dinner and to finish up the chores too. We’re having fish tacos and a nice dry apple cider for dinner tonight in celebration of the fourth episode of Game of Thrones tonight. I cannot wait!

I hope that you had a good week. I hope that you felt well both physically and emotionally and that the world didn’t place more upon your shoulders than you could carry. I hope you got to feel the sun on your face and that the coming week will be better than the last in all the ways you need it to be.

Until next time. 

https://www.instagram.com/p/BwsZuIQHoBz/

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo via Negative Space

If We Were Having Coffee // I Wasn’t Myself at All

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

We’re meeting a little late today because I had an early morning coffee meeting with a potential wedding planner and afterward we made the rounds to all the thrift stores near us in search of wedding decor items and ideas. It was a good trip out. We found some neat things to use in our centerpieces and the weather was absolutely gorgeous. I’m glad we were able to soak it up before a cold front settles in tomorrow.

I’m home now and ready for another cup of cold brew and another conversation! So, please, pull up and chair and fill up a cup. Let’s talk about last week.

“If it wasn’t for the coffee, I’d have no identifiable personality whatsoever.”

— David Letterman

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the highlight of my week was definitely seeing Avengers: Endgame Friday night. Actually, Friday as a whole was a good day all in all. Work was low-key, but I was much more productive than the four days before combined.

A couple of months ago I moved into a new office area but since I’m not great with change, I’ve still been hanging around my old workspace but on Friday I decided to give the new space a real chance and pledged to spend all my working hours there. It turns out the new space, though far away from my favorite coworkers, is much brighter, more comfortable, and much, much quieter. I’m looking forward to doing more work there and maybe using the space for writing and reading on my breaks too.

After work, we went directly to my fiance’s little brother’s ROTC award ceremony. It’s always interesting to see how disciplined these kids are and to hear how hard they’ve worked over the year. No matter what your feelings about the military or their role in our schools it’s hard not to admire them. I’m proud to say that my future little brother-in-law earned a leadership award from the Order of the Purple Heart!

After the award ceremony, we went out for a date night dinner at our favorite little sushi place, drank too much sake, and walked across the parking lot to sit for three hours through the what might be the best Marvel movie ever released. Avengers: Endgame is so worth the time and money to go see. It was exciting, heartbreaking, and offered just enough closure that we can all walk away feeling ready for whatever the studio is planning next.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the rest of the week wasn’t very good. Nothing bad happened but I was feeling rather down and irritable. I felt exhausted and no matter how much I slept or how much coffee I drank I couldn’t seem to crawl out of the fatigue. I didn’t want to do anything or talk to anyone. I just wasn’t myself at all.

So, it was a bad writing week, a bad reading week, and a bad learning week. I’ve fallen behind in just about every goal I set for the month and I have no idea how I’m going to pep-talk myself into catching up.

Unfortunately, next week will be a busy one and unless I take real steps back toward discipline and focus, I will only fall farther behind. I may have to deactivate Facebook for a while and schedule my Twitter time to keep me out of the time-sucking social media holes that feel so good whenever I feel this down. I’m going to spend this evening working out some concrete goals and daily to-dos to make procrastination harder.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the rest of the weekend was much better than the week before. Saturday we did the first part of all the weekend wedding shopping we’d planned. We were all over town and it was a little disappointing to find so many stores out of or missing the things we’d envisioned. Buying online means more selection but I prefer shopping in stores so I can see what I am getting.

I was able to finally settle on a suit, though I will have to get it tailored so that I don’t look like a child in it. It’s so hard being a woman who presents just masculine of center. There aren’t enough gender-neutral wedding suits for queers like me in the world.

It’d be easier if I was taller, or less feminine shaped, but the reality of my body doesn’t match the vision of who I am inside so shopping can be a frustrating and depressing endeavor. Luckily I have the very best girlfriend in the world and through her support and positivity, we found something I could live with.

We were supposed to go out Saturday night for a belated birthday celebration but part of being over thirty in this culture and economy means having close friends whose schedules are always clear when yours is full and full when yours is empty. We’ve been trying to get together for months now and every time I think we’re all going to be able to make it something comes up. We’re planning to try again two weekends from now.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the savory smells from the kitchen are telling me dinner is on the way and the long shadows from the west windows are warning me that it’s time to go. I have to get another load of laundry in and get ready for the Battle of Winterfell on Game of Thrones.

I hope that you had a good week. I hope you were productive but I also hope you rested too. I hope the weather is warm wherever you are and that you were able to get out and soak up the sun. I hope you did a thing or two just for you and that you know that you are worth more than what you offer others.

Until next time. 

Little Things // Sunni Colón

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Fernando Hernandez on Unsplash

If We Were Having Coffee // None of Us Feel Any Safer

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

Today we’re having a late coffee. I had to be up early for a birthday brunch/Easter celebration with my family and afterwards; I was in desperate need of a nap. The kind of nap where you don’t set alarms. The kind of nap which goes on for exactly as long, and sometimes for a little bit longer, than you need. I needed an hour, but then the clouds rolled in and the rain made it two.

But I’m up now, refreshed and ready to chat! So, please, pull up and chair and fill up a cup. Let’s talk about last week.

“It can take me forever to choose the right coffee cup in the morning. And it does make a difference!”

— Joel Grey

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this last week was a strange and frightful one. If you hadn’t heard here in Colorado, we had to close down hundreds of schools while police searched for a young woman from Florida obsessed with the Columbine High School massacre flew to Colorado and upon landing immediately bought a shotgun.

The day she landed I’d happened to have stayed home from work with a migraine and the next day, after she hadn’t been found, we all stayed home while they searched. In the late afternoon we got the news, she’d been found, and she was no longer a threat. She was dead. Somehow though, none of us feel any safer. Quite the contrary. This threat is no longer real, but the threat is bigger, closer, clearer, and more frightening than ever.

Yesterday was the 20th anniversary of the Columbine massacre. We remembered, again, we mourned, again, and we felt the fear, again. I feel for the survivors and their families and all survivors and families of all mass shootings and gun violence. I feel for us all and long for a time when the threat will finally be over, for good.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the rest of the week was pretty good. Despite the madness around me I was able to find time for myself though I didn’t do much productive with it.

I brainstormed ways to revive my old blog and worked on the question of how to separate from myself to write for it in a new way. I’m working on reviving my old newsletter too and preparing for an avalanche of unsubscribes after I do.

Part of me is procrastinating by planning, I know. I know that having a vision, a goal, or a plan is no prerequisite to starting and this week I’m going to do my best to remember that. I’m going to do my best to remember that I did not set out on this journey to write about myself alone.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the last time we spoke I was on my way out with my fiance to take some engagement photos a few towns over in the foothills. I never did get a chance to let you know how it went. I haven’t seen the photos yet, and I am terrified of hating them, but taking them was surprisingly fun!

Our photographer was young, building a portfolio and offering short sessions at deep discounts, so we went with her considering that we hadn’t even wanted engagement photos in the first place. She was incredibly encouraging and made us feel as comfortable as we could. She made us laugh and through her prodding and questioning, we even learned a couple of things about each other.

I’m glad we did it and as soon as I have the photos I’ll share one of two with you.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that we have accomplished a few other wedding related things. The invitations went out yesterday which means no matter what we are definitely having a wedding now. It’s really real now. We were going to be married no matter what but now we have to do it this way. Now it must be a grand spectacle.

This week we may choose a planner to help us now that we are so close to the big day and still have so much more to do. We booked the caterer and I may have a suit if I can gather the confidence to order. We’ve begun casing thrift stores nearby for decor items and we are starting to think about our vows.

It feels like we have no time at all and it still feels like we have all the time in the world. We’re excited and terrified. We have no idea what we are doing and we’re doing it anyway.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the coming week looks to be just as free and open as this past one was and I am determined to do something more with it this time around.

I’ve fallen behind in the personal goals I’ve set for myself and in the courses I’ve been taking on Coursera. Until now it’s been easy to just watch videos and take quizzes but now I’ve got a few essay assignment and as usual, I’m procrastinating because I’m scared. I’m afraid I don’t really know what I think I know and that I haven’t really learned anything at all. I’m afraid to mess it up and to not get a good grade, but a bad grade and a chance to try again is better than quitting, something else to remember this week too I suppose.

I’m also struggling to get through Notes from Underground, The Double and Other Stories by Fyodor Dostoyevsky so I’m going allot extra reading time between work duties and at lunch.

I have quite a few exciting books lined up to read after if I just need to grit my teeth and focus. I just need to stick to my pages or minutes per day goals I set for myself but Dostoyevsky doesn’t make it easy. This isn’t a book of wild fantasy, beautiful setting, or compelling dialog, but it’s a book with an important idea! An idea I really want to grasp. I have to remember that too.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that my coffee mug had run dry and the time for refills is gone. It’s time for a Sunday shot of tequila with my wife to be and episode two of Game of Thrones. It’s time for me to go clear my head and get ready for Monday too.

I hope you had a good week. I hope you were far from both threat and memory of violence and that you got out to see the sun and soak up the spring. I hope your coming week will be warm in all the ways you need and that you make progress to overcome whatever is holding you back.

Until next time. 

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Izzie R on Unsplash

If We Were Having Coffee // A Happy Birthday Weekend

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

This Sunday I am up late and in a definite hurry. We have an appointment to take engagement photos a few towns over this evening so that means I have just a few short hours to get ready for tomorrow. Thank God the weather has turned around. The sun is shining, and it’s already warmer out than it has been in many days. I don’t think I could take another day of winter. Thank God for this cold brew too which is the only thing giving me any hope through today’s awful anxiety and doubt.

So, pull up and chair and, please, fill up a cup. I’ve no time for the Moka pot so blond cold brew it is. I promise you it’s good and I promise it will get the day moving.

Let’s talk about last week.

“When traveling with someone, take large does of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee.”

— Helen Hayes

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this week was certainly a busy one. I started off by finishing up the work I had begun the week before. The new class of employees at work were ready for testing and a few need just a little more training. In addition to my route, I made sure they were all knowledgeable enough and confident enough to go out and work with our very special kids.

After that work eased off, but I had a lot of personal reading, writing, and learning projects I needed to catch up on. I’ve been taking a Modern & Contemporary American Poetry course on Coursera and while there seem to be no concrete deadlines for the quizzes or assignments I’ve set my own expectations and fallen behind.

I also needed to give The Double by Fyodor Dostoyevsky another chance. It’s been a hard book to start and more than once now I have read the first 10 pages and put the book back down to pick up something that resonates with my life experience, or the way my mind works a little better. Still, I am determined to get through it. Even in the first 10 pages, I can see the value of the book. This time I have a plan and a deadline in mind. This time I won’t give up.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that on Thursday I had hoped for a snow day since we were forecasted to have another bomb cyclone blizzard but the conditions needed just never materialized. The snow started too late, and the temperatures had been too warm. The system stalled, and we all had to go to work the next day.

All in all, though, it wasn’t so bad. I made the most of it where I good and employed patience and a detached attitude where it was needed. Not even being put on a delayed schedule—in which the kids go to school anywhere from an hour to an hour and a half late—really ruined my mood. The worst of it was that through it all it was still only Thursday.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that Friday was tough. The week had been long, my driver was out, and on top of it all, I agreed to help out by doing a route segment I’d never done before and transport kids I’d never met. I was very anxious, but I got to work with my girlfriend too and that helped.

Friday night I was ready to start my “birthday weekend”! My youngest sister (by 15 years!) picked me up for a night out. We ate Hawaiian barbeque, we went book shopping, and we went out for ice cream. SHe planned and paid for it all which made me feel so proud and grateful. She’s a good kid, and I must be doing something right as a big sister to be treated so well.

Saturday I had my “perfect day”. It’s what I do every year on my birthday, though each one is a little different. I plan my perfect breakfast, lunch, dinner, and dessert. I plan my perfect outing, and I buy myself something small (sometimes the something small turns out to be pretty big) and I spend the evening watching as many of my favorite things as I can.

This year I started with a bacon and egg breakfast burrito with spicy salsa. For my outing, I went to the Denver Museum of Nature and Science to check out the new Leonardo da Vinci exhibit. I had pepperoni pizza at Whole Foods for lunch and for dinner we made “king crab legs, roasted artichokes, shrimp and parmesan pasta, and plenty of butter, lemon, and garlic to cover all, oh, and a bottle of sweet Riesling to wash it all down”.

After dinner, we watched the new Donald Glover film starring Rihanna, Guava Island and ate coconut ice cream with strong coffee. I ended the night by watching Starship Troopers, one of my favorite films, for the 100th time.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this coming week should be another easy one. I have some small lingering work things I want to mark off of my to-do list but I’m hoping I’ll have plenty of free time to work on some big wedding things I need to get started on.

My fiance found her wedding dress last week, so it is my turn to pick out my attire. I’m not wearing a dress so that means it’s time for me to settle on a suit and get fitted. To be honest, I’m pretty terrified and at this point, I’m refusing to have any friends or family present except my fiance. As a queer woman it’s sometimes scary to enter men’s spaces just to find clothing you feel like yourself in and the more traditional the space the more nerve-wracking it can be.

Our invitations should arrive tomorrow and we’ll spend Monday evening putting them together and hopefully, if there are no errors, they’ll be out in the world by Tuesday. I have a ton of vendors to follow up with and deposits and payments will probably have to be made. Our rings should be ready by week’s end and on our way to us all the way from Australia.

Things are coming along and we are taking them one baby step at a time.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that it’s time to head out to our photography appointment. We’ve got a long drive ahead of us and Sunday traffic is always worse than you imagine it will be.

I hope that you had a good week. I hope you are well and happy. I hope that you were able to overcome whatever set you back and that in the coming week you will make quick and significant progress in whatever way you need.

Until next time. 

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

097 // Sunday Isn’t Enough

I’ve never been good at Sundays, I’ve always known this, always lamented this, but something has changed. Now, I think, I never want to be good at Sundays. I am fed up. I am giving up on everything Sunday is supposed to be.

Sundays should not be peaceful days to while away reading, walking, resting with our heads in the clouds or lounging on couches. We should be up in a panic, rushing, worrying, frantically trying to hold on. We should be fighting and wailing against the not just the end of the weekend but against a society in which we are given so little time to rest, to create, to ourselves.

I don’t want Sundays to be enough to get me through until Friday. I want more.

These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

If We Were Having Coffee // Beginning the Birthday Celebrations

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

I’m exhausted this weekend. The week has been long and though I got through it fine—with the help of pure determination and copious amounts of caffeine—but my body has come to its limit and crashed. Yesterday I could hardly leave the couch. Today is better but not by much. Coffee helps and being able to take the day slowly keeps the threat of a bad mood at bay.

So, pull up and chair and, please, fill up a cup. It’s day’s like this I miss a good strong espresso but two or three cups from the Moka pot should provide the same results.

Let’s talk about last week.

“When I get up early, I appreciate the quiet time to enjoy a coffee or water my plants.”

― Christina Tosi

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this week started off low-key but by the end, I was exhausted and stressed out of my mind.

I had expected a slow work schedule but by Tuesday my boss was telling me that a new class of employees would start and I’d have to give up the free time I’d hoped to spend on reading and writing and put it to use for work instead.

To be honest though, the work wasn’t bad. This class was a good one, collectively both smart and entertaining. I was even happy to see that they were all women.

It’s certainly rewarding to train people who struggle and who, through your help, come to understand and excel at their job, but there’s nothing like the refreshing feeling of teaching people who get it right away, who can easily understand your mind and reasoning and align their train of thought and belief to yours automatically.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that despite all the stress and the work I have been feeling so much better lately. I have some of my old natural energy back and I’m feeling like my old self too.

I’ve been on my new medication for a little over a week now and while I don’t know for sure that the sudden improvement is because of the medicine but the timing matches up. Other explanations can be the sudden return of Spring and the aforementioned increased anxiety. Either way, I’m finally feeling good, mostly.

The energy seems to come and go suddenly. One minute I’m ready to keel over and sleep wherever I am and the next I’m bouncing off the walls. I’m struggling to get out of bed and get ready in the morning but by my usual nap time I’m ready to go for a run or do some jumping jacks. I’m talking fast and jumping from one subject to another mid sentence for no reason and as soon as someone needs me to make a decision or complete a task my mind is powering down and refusing to work.

I’m trying not to get too frustrated. Energy levels that fluctuate are better than energy levels that stagnate. I’m grateful to have moved from the latter to the former, I just wish I had more warning, or that the changes were more gradual so I could plan and shift accordingly.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that on Friday we had a big party at work for one of my bosses who has accepted a new position at another district. We are all very happy for her, of course, but the occasion was palpably bittersweet.

I think every work place has that one employee that always comes in with a smile. Every company has someone who seems to run on endless energy and who never tires of their day-to-day drudgery. THis person can sometimes annoy us. Sometimes we are sure something must be deeply wrong with them, but no matter what we think this person doesn’t care. They go on making the office their home and treating everyone like family.

The boss who left, she was one of those people and now that she is going we all realize that there will be quite a big hole left behind. There is no one else who has the same persistence, the same joy, the same way of making us all feel good the way she did and we know that as good as this opportunity will be for her, all of us will be left behind and left worse off by her going.

Morale may be headed off a cliff if someone doesn’t step up and step into those shoes soon.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that there has been more big wedding planning progress made.

My fiance went wedding dress shopping and, from what I have been told, found the dress of her dreams! We aren’t sticking to many traditions but she’s adamant that I not see her dress until the big day. I’m okay with that, though I felt admittedly jealous I missed all the fun. At the same time I’m so happy that she found the perfect dress the first time she went looking.

We also have new rings on the way. Both of us have engagement rings but one is the wrong size, and the other isn’t of the best quality so we’ve opted for new ones that match (without being identical) and that we know will last a lot longer than our first set.

We got our catering proposal. It isn’t exactly what we had in mind, but that doesn’t mean it’s bad. The options are growing on us and after a few tweaks we may be able to finally move on to the smaller but much more numerous items.

Invitations will go out within a week or two and after that, one way or another, we are putting on this event. There is no turning back now which is both encouraging and terrifying.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the coming week will be the start of my birthday celebrations. I don’t have very big plans this year, just a day at the museum, a few dinners, and a night of dancing.

I have plans for a small sisters only dinner on Friday and on Saturday here is a huge Leonardo da Vinci exhibit at the Museum of Nature and Science I have been dying to see. Sunday we’ll be in the foothills doing a mini engagement photo shoot for our wedding website.

The weekend after this I’m planning a big dinner for all of my friends and a night out dancing at our favorite gay nightclub. I’m excited but this is the first year that my birthday is not the biggest event I am planning. The wedding has eclipsed everything.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the caffeine wore off a long time ago, and my willpower is waning as well. I need to lie down for a nap before the evening falls and I have to begin preparing for the week.

I hope your week was a good one. I hope that you are well and that the passing of the first quarter of the year finds you with much accomplished and leaves you with motivation and inspiration to carry you through the season.

Until next time. 

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Joanna Kosinska on Unsplash

If We Were Having Coffee // When She’s Gone

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

It looks like my morning is starting in the early afternoon today. I woke up with an earache and exhausted bones so after making it to the kitchen to let the dog out then in then fill her food bowl; I turned back around and followed the same sleepy path back to the bed. Two hours later I was up again and through cold brew coffee, loud music, and pure determination I am moving about and getting myself and my house ready for another week.

So, pull up and chair and, please, fill up a cup. You’re welcome to the cold brew or a hot cup from the Moka pot but hot or cold all I have on hand is a light roast. It’s a nice compliment the spring sun shining through the open blinds.

Let’s talk about last week.

“When I get up early, I appreciate the quiet time to enjoy a coffee or water my plants.”

― Christina Tosi

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this past week was an interesting one. It was educational, sad stressful, lonely, and full of tiny little victories.

On Sunday we got the sad news that my girlfriend’s grandmother had passed away. This is one of those stories that isn’t mine to tell but I will say my heart is in pieces for her and her family. I wish I could have known her grandmother, but I never got the chance to meet her. Once again we are taught the lesson. Talk to the people you can while you can because people leave this Earth every day and you don’t have all the time you think you do.

Monday and Tuesday I got the chance to attend a statewide conference for work. I learned a few things and my task now is to bring back what I have learned and incorporate it into the training we do for new and existing employees.

Much of what I saw we are already doing so what I took away more than knowledge was an emotional impact. For one, I met many people working for other districts who are doing exactly what I’m doing in mine. Until now I have felt somewhat alone in my position.

My position isn’t a prestigious one. I’m rather low on the totem pole but I’m passionate about what I do and think despite the low prestige having people in my position that care about the issue and responsibility is critically important. It was refreshing to meet others who feel the same way and do their work enthusiastically and from the heart.

I also sat in a presentation that gave me a lot of hope for the future of our schools. When I was a teenager I struggled to cope with my emotions and to relate to other kids my age. I was angry and; I know now, very depressed and back then the only way to deal with angry and depressed kids was to suspend them until you could send them somewhere else and then to keep the expectations placed on them so low that they graduated without any skills, emotional or academic.

I was lucky. I dropped out instead and found my own way, but there are so many who were neglected and abandoned by the system.

The presentation I saw was on moving from the suspension, detention, and isolation disciplinary system to one that teaches reflection, responsibility, and restoration. I was nearly in tears imagining the way a younger me would have thrived under that system. The woman who spoke told us that their aim is to make each school into a small community and to teach children how to live in it by connecting them to that community. It’s bittersweet and so beautiful.

I hope every school moves to hire teachers, administrators, and support staff that can be open-minded enough to do better by their students than was done by them.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that Wednesday my girlfriend left town to be with her family and attend her grandmother’s funeral.

I never do well when she’s gone. We’ve lived together for something like 15 years, and since we work at the same place, on the same schedule, and doing nearly everything together, I struggle when I have to be on my own for more than a day. I’m just bored mostly, and I miss her a lot, and I lose most of my motivation to cook, or clean, or do anything but read and sleep. I make it sound worse than it is, really.

I did manage to get a lot of reading done since I rarely watch T.V. without her. I finished One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel García Márquez, my 7th book of the year, by Friday and loved it. I’m already ready to read it again. I was thrilled by the news that Netflix is going to make it into a series. I hope they stay true to the book and include every beautiful and terrible event.

I started Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People About Race by Reni Eddo-Lodge and though it’s about as far from Márquez’s magical realism as I could get it’s very good. I’m having a hard time putting it down this weekend and expect to finish within days.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the other issue I have when my girlfriend is gone is having to drive. I mentioned it last week but for those new to my blog; I suffer from terrible driving anxiety. I dread having to get to and from work or anywhere else on my own.

My girlfriend is understanding, though it is hard on her and she would like for me to be more comfortable behind the wheel, but when she is gone nothing can be done and I have to push through it. My heart was pounding, and I was nauseous with nervousness every day but I have to say, I did really well. So well in fact that I almost enjoyed it!

I’ve been waiting for some kind of breakthrough. I’ve been waiting to feel motivated not just by shame but by possibility, joy, and pride. I think I’ve had that breakthrough. Working through this fear has become something I want to do, not just something I need to do.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that, my girlfriend is flying her way home to me now and that means getting I’d better go. I have to start cleaning this house out of its current sad and stale state.

I hope you had a good week. I hope you are well and that the weather is improving, and that you got to smell the spring air and feel the warming sun on your skin. I hope the new month finds you well this week and that you can meet it without regret or panic.

Until next time. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SyjePkCk3SY
Move // Jazz Spastiks feat. Apani B Fly

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by andrew welch on Unsplash

If We Were Having Coffee // A Dumb Fear to Have

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

I’ve never been good at mornings but this morning is especially slow. My body isn’t cooperating and my mind is even more useless. Coffee is helping though and I feel my bones waking and loosening with every sip.

The sun is helping too. Spring has definitely sprung here in Colorado quite suddenly and without fanfare as if she had been here all along. Being able to open the windows and let the warm air in is doing wonders for the Sunday soul.

So, pull up and chair and, please, fill up a cup. I’m sorely missing my old espresso machine today but the Moka pot is on and a bit of coconut cream in the bottom of the mug will smooth out the texture and flavor. Let’s talk about last week.

“Chugging coffee this morning, not because I’m tired, but because it’s so damn good, for some reason. It might be the lingering feeling of actual sunshine, or a good night’s sleep. I don’t know, and I don’t really care. Take the good when you get it, and just enjoy it.”

― Thord D. Hedengren

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that last week was my Spring break but instead of a whole week off I only took two days. With the wedding coming up, and the snow days from the week before, I just felt that a whole week of pay was too much to sacrifice for a little free time.

I had hoped for a week of easy work, the typical stuff I do but with fewer people around. I hoped to put in my headphones, catch up on a few podcasts and make progress on my courses. Oh, how wrong I was.

I ended up being “volun-told” to help out in our hiring department making phone calls to prospective new employees. I was to help them fill out applications and once the applications were complete, I scheduled them for interviews. My anxiety levels were sky-high, but I did my best and my best turned out to be pretty damn good. More than that, I actually enjoyed it.

I called nearly every person in the stack they gave me and scheduled all the interviews I could. It’s been a long time since I’ve worked on the phones, over 10 years, but I was good at it then, and it all came back to me last week. Empathy, patience, and communication have always been the areas where my strengths lie.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that we have made a lot of wedding progress this week. We now have our ceremony site permit, two photographers, a caterer, and an officiant. We have our colors settled on and my fiance has an appointment to try on prospective dresses in the next couple of weeks.

Things are moving along. I just hope we can keep this momentum going. We’re easily overwhelmed and prone to long stretches of procrastination.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I can feel my health is going downhill though I can’t tell if it’s all in my head or not.

My joints are stiffer than usual. The ache all day and if I push myself too hard they are throbbing painfully by bedtime. I’m still losing weight but not rapidly enough to panic yet. Just under 10 pounds in the last couple of months though I haven’t changed my diet, nor have I been working out more, yet. I’m afraid to push my body any further.

I’ve still not started the medication my doctor prescribed for me because I am still caught up in the bureaucracies of the health care system. I’m being asked to be patient without being given any explanation but my gut is telling me that my insurance company doesn’t want to pay for this medication. My gut is telling me that when they do call, I’ll be told to try something else first and all this stress and patience will have been for nothing.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that as I type this my fiance is receiving some rather devastating news. There has been a death in her family and she’ll have to leave the state this week to be with her family and say goodbye to their loved one.

My heart is breaking for her and I wish I could go along to help her through this time but to make arrangements for the pets and for work with such short notice would be too much. I’ll have to accept that this is something I cannot fix and offer what small comfort I can from afar.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I hate whenever she has to go out-of-town, not just because I will be alone, but because I will have to drive.

For my new followers who may not know, I have a pretty severe phobia of driving. Even thinking about it now is making my heart rate increase and my palms sweat. My girlfriend is quite understanding about but it hasn’t been easy for her to take on most of the responsibility of transportation for both of us. Of course, when she’s gone, I have no one to help when it gets hard. When she is gone I have to be brave and fight myself while operating a moving vehicle.

I know I’ll be okay. I’ve driven to and from work, and to the grocery store, and many other places plenty of times, but somehow it never seems to get easier to get behind the wheel. In the winter I am especially averse to driving and so it’s been a little while for me. I have to get used to it again and quickly before she goes.

It’s a dumb fear to have, I know, but that doesn’t stop it from being real and it doesn’t make it easier but I’m determined to be brave especially after this week when my fears came up at work and I felt, once again, embarrassed and ashamed to speak my truth. So, I have to be brave not just in facing my fear, but of owning it too.

The truth is that hiding makes it easier to stay stuck and hiding makes me feel worse and worse as the years go on. I’m done hiding, and I’m done being afraid. I want to move past this and I know that once I do there will be nothing left that I can’t overcome.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that, now that the day is nearly over and the evening is ready to settle in, it’s time for me to get up and do all my Sunday things.

The conference starts early tomorrow and being across town (I’m carpooling with coworkers) means I have to get up a lot earlier than usual and that means I need to prepare more and better for the coming week than I normally would. Everything has to be ready.

I hope you had a good week and that wherever you are the sun is shining and you feel loved. I hope you made time for you and that we can all face our fears and overcome them too.

Until next time. 

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo courtesy of Barn Images

If We Were Having Coffee // The Storm Before the Calm

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

I’m feeling slow today. I had some energy for the first hour or so after I woke, but I’ve fallen sharply downhill since. I’m sure I need a nap, and that there is not enough caffeine in this house to chase the need away, but I’m also sure I’m going to fight it anyway. Sleep has been hard to come by at night. Caffeine has nothing on anxiety, and a nap will only make things harder.

So, I’ll stay up and chat with you instead. I’ll open the blinds and let the sun in and pour us cup after cup and tell you everything that’s happened this past week.

“Through drowsiness, your body is telling you that you need to rest. By drinking a caffeinated drink, you are telling it to go to hell.”

― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I started this week off by deciding not to start it at all. Sunday night I went to bed feeling as though I’d come down with a cold. I had a sore throat, a cough, I was feeling fatigued and my head was full of pressure. I was convinced I was sick and decided even before I drifted off that I would take the next day off in order to rest right away and get well sooner.

When I woke early Monday, I’m not sure I felt sickly so much as I was just tired, but I still felt the conviction from the night before and called in sick convinced I was on my way to a bad cold. Then, hours later, I woke again and found that I felt perfectly fine.

I have no explanation except that either I was coming down with something and fought it off while I slept, or perhaps my mind manufactured a cold so that I would take the action I needed but felt too guilty to take. As in, I needed a mental day and my mind made it happen. It’s possible I think.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you I was delighted to return to work on Tuesday and find that much of the work my team had been trying to complete was already done. I helped wrap up a few loose ends and then spent my free time outside to soak up the sudden spring-like weather we were having.

By mid-afternoon that same day anxiety was running high across the entire state. The rolling weather reports for the next day were so unreal we laughed them off. Our phones were buzzing with blizzard warnings and by early evening we have received notice that schools across the state would be closed and all Coloradoans were advised to stay indoors the next day.

Wednesday morning the rain started and for a time we thought the storm wouldn’t turn out as bad as predicted, but by lunch, the storm had become something we’d never seen before. Soon the whole city was shut down, including all our major highways and every airport runway. Downed trees, power outages, and severe car accidents, were being reported and a multi-day recovery was expected and we were given an additional snow day to assess the damage and dig out.

Compared to others we fared pretty well. Our internet was spotty all day, but we never lost power. Our trees and our fences held up but our mailbox is at a slight tilt now. The snow at the bottom of our front step was up to my knees and clearing out sidewalks and driveway was a painful chore I am still recovering from.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that while we were snowed in, I took the opportunity to do some small blog things.

I have a new Now page up to keep track not just of what I am doing now, but what my priorities are and what opportunities I am open to and I created an MOOC page to keep track of and share all the great massive open online courses I’m taking. I also revamped my Portfolio. I didn’t add anything but I hope to soon.

I’m working on a few more pages like these, and like my Am Reading page and my 100 Dreams page. I have a page drafted for all the people I want to study, and another drafted for “Site Notes’, a detailed explanation not of who I am but what this blog is.

I’d like this blog to be a recording and inventory of my life and who I am, all my thoughts and everything I do. I want it to be fully mine and I want to pour myself fully into it.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the rest of the week was rather uneventful. It was strange to return on Friday after two days away and one from a whole week off. No one felt like being there, not even the kids. No one asked for more than the bare minimum and we all did our best to get along and get through it. 

On Saturday I got to see my dad. I haven’t seen him since before the holidays since our schedules never seem to agree. We went to my favorite Mexican place and caught each other up on everything we’ve been up to, work and wedding planning mostly. He’s excited for us and was encouraging when we expressed how overwhelmed we’ve been. It was a good visit.

As for the rest of the weekend, I’ve been feeling more and more fatigued so I’ve been taking it easy, resting when I needed and doing what I can when I can around the house.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you I’m taking tomorrow off from work again. It’s Spring break so my route isn’t running and I really want to enjoy a little of it at least. I wanted to take the whole week off, but the truth is, with all the snow days, the mental health days, and a very expensive wedding coming up soon, I just can’t afford to stay home and play writer right now.

So, I’ll go to work but maybe I’ll find my own little pleasures and take my tiny vacations where I can. Maybe I’ll go in late and leave a little early, and maybe I’ll take long lunches in the sun since the Spring is forecasted to arrive this week. I’m looking forward to it. This winter has taken a toll on me. All winters take their toll on me.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I can feel myself losing the battle against sleep. The couch is calling and I long to put on an old movie to nod off to. It looks like I’ll be spending my extra day off doing all the things I should have done today.

Oh well, I hope you had a good week and that wherever you are you weren’t in the path of that nasty winter storm and if you were I hope spring will be on the way soon. I hope you made some progress in whatever way you needed to, and if you didn’t I hope you know you can always start again.

Until next time. 

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

069 // Only Half Failed

Sunday again, my old foe. I’ve wasted so much of it and I’m not even sorry. Yes, I am, but I’m trying not to be. It’s not my fault. Sundays make it hard to be productive by being so nice in themselves but being so close to Monday that they are resented for the association.

So, I tried, and only half failed so I’m not mad. The day is simply set up for failure.

But tomorrow will be different, I hope. I already know I won’t have as much time to myself as I need but I’m promising to do good work nonetheless. I’ll muster all the enthusiasm it takes and be sure to save a little over so that when the work is done there’ll be something left for me.

https://www.tumblr.com/lisamarieblair/183367374345/adam-jk

These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren