Tag: Journal

The stay at home orders for my county have officially been extended through May 8th. I haven’t yet heard from my supervisors and coworkers about how that affects our plans to return to work in the coming weeks. Obviously our return is delayed, but by how long is the question.

Saturday continues to be my favorite day of the week. There has been very little to do any day of the week for over a month now, but on Saturdays there is even less. I wish time would slow down so I could enjoy more of it, so I could luxuriate in it.

I’m back in the “creativity room” though not much of substance is being created. The good feeling isn’t as simple or short-term as happiness. I’d say maybe I feel hopeful, or optimistic. Life feels promising and as long as my path continues straight forward from here, things can only get better. That doesn’t mean things are great right now, it just means the future feels bright.

Today was a bad day, but it wasn’t my bad day alone so I can’t share any of the details except to say that being isolated with no outside stimulation or social interaction magnifies every emotion especially the negative ones and being isolated together just doubles the ammunition and the inevitable explosion.

Things are better now, but I had to devote the entire afternoon to self care in order to move past it. I decided it was a good day to deep clean my dreadlocks and have a nice cold shower “beer” (I’m partial to hard ciders) to take the edge off. I feel refreshed and renewed now. The hurts and humiliations of before have been washed away and the evening can be enjoyed free of worry or distress…for now. It may take pizza and a glass of wine to keep the good feelings going.

That was all I could manage to do today, and even that took more effort than you could know. I’m proud of myself for not falling back into old habits and for not giving in to the urge to do nothing at all and wallow in self pity. I’m glad things turned around and I have feel confident that tomorrow will be so much better.

The late nights are starting to get to me. I’m waking up late again and my head is full of fog all day long. I took the first nap I’ve had in weeks today completely unintentionally. I was out for over an hour and I didn’t feel much better when I woke up. I’ve decided to impose old bedtime rules again as if I were working and to get back to waking up on time. It’s good for my health and productivity but it’s also in preparation of my planned return to work in a couple of weeks.

Despite the fatigue I somehow felt up to doing some cleaning and working on a Coursera writing assignment that has been plaguing me since last Monday. It’s just not possible for me to meet all the requirements of the prompt but today I realized that writing about how something doesn’t apply to you counts as writing about it and I also realized that if some aspect of the assignment doesn’t apply to me then that’s ok. It’s only me that that I have anything to prove to and if I know I did my best then as far as I’m concerned all requirements were met.

It might be a silly, insignificant online course, but you get out of anything what you put in, right?

I used writing as an escape today but not in a good way. I was supposed to be working on my course assignments but I wrote an Earth Day piece that I’m not sure I like. The problem is that so much of what I share has been free writing session with little to no editing beyond spelling grammar checks and rearranging paragraphs. What I’d like now is to spend some days on a piece without losing energy or focus.

I’m going to be returning to work in just under two weeks and I have to start thinking about how I can transition what I have learned, what I want, and what I have time now into what I will have time for when most of my day will be filled up with work and the needs and expectations of so many people.

Less time means my goals will take longer. It doesn’t mean they are impossible to achieve. I’ve had a chance to make a start and I don’t want to lose it to poor planning and foresight.

In a way I’m kind of glad I’m going back to work. I miss my friends and my routine and I think as much as both get in the way of my writing and my goals I think they also make both possible too. I need the inspiration and mental stimulation that comes from being with people and with doing things that have nothing at all to do with writing. It seems I need a life in order to have anything to say about it.

Today, in an effort to enjoy some social interaction outside of the house we met a close loved one in the parking lot of Chipotle to to enjoy a nice meal and some pleasant conversation from the safe distance of inside of our own cars. It was strange but it was nice too. I think this is a small taste of what the future will be like. Of course, it won’t be so extreme forever but this time and terror will be with us for years to come. I may never feel comfortable being so close to other people again.

Yesterday I lamented the possibility of my wife returning to work in the coming weeks and today I am stressing about the prospect of me returning to work too. My boss sent out a series of emails this afternoon asking who had a mask and who didn’t and if we’d be able to return to work the week of the May 4th.

To be honest, I’m freaking out a little bit. I’m not just worries about the virus, but the precautions we are going to have to take are really going to complicate my work. Training already takes weeks as it is, but I may have to maintain distance, do one-on-one training, wear masks and gloves, and disinfect equipment between trainees. Calss time will be doubled at least. The good news is I probably don’t have to worry anymore about my pay through the summer and I might be able to get the hold up over my promotion figured out.

This next part is going to be scary, but it sounds like we’re going to take it slow. I just hope that if things get bad the powers that be won’t let pride or even optimism get in the way to turning back to keep us all safe.

I got my goals out for the week, but to be honest I wasn’t as focused or motivated as I wanted to be today and very little in the way of progress way made. This week will be off to a late start, but Tuesdays are as good a day to start as Mondays. I plan to get up early and to start my routines and rituals right away so writing can be a priority for the rest of the day.

The sun was out but my knee is still giving me trouble, so I couldn’t go for a walk like I wanted to. I’ll try again tomorrow. I have to get out and into the sun soon. I have to move these bones and stretch these muscles. I have to spread out in the world a little.

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This afternoon my wife got an email prompting her and the rest of her team to discuss plans for returning to work next week. I’m worried it’s too early and terrified of the risk she may be taking as an asthmatic. I’m not even sure the Governor’s orders allow for her workplace to open and meet the requirements to keep everyone safe and healthy. I just don’t understand. Why do we have to get back to normalcy so soon?

FOr the rest of the world I somewhat understand. The system sucks, but it’s the system we are stuck with and money reigns supreme. Most of us can’t eat, keep our homes, have water, electricity, internet, or healthcare if we don’t go back to work soon, but my wife and I are not one of those people and neither are the powers that be deciding our fate. School is cancelled for the year and we are all still being paid. What’s the rush?

I woke up today and quickly realized that my knee was hurt bad. I think I irritated the joint while working out a few days ago and now it’s swollen and forcing me to spend much of the day seated and on ice. There’s a lot to do around the house though so I’m up on it as much as I can be. The kitchen is a mess. The bathroom needs cleaning. The laundry needs folding. The snake enclosures need attention. The plants need watering, and a lot more. I’m opting out of dinner cooking duties with the promise, the hope, that things will be better tomorrow.

It was a bad writing day again. I can’t think past the pain and the things I have to do so I spent my time doing those things and listening to podcasts to calm me and to sooth my loneliness while my wife works. The good news is I did just about everything I set out to do. The bad news is I still feel bad for what I couldn’t.

I’ll never quite get over how little Sundays feel like Sundays when Mondays aren’t anything like Mondays should be. The only thing that has stayed the same is how little I loath to start the week. The transition from weekend to work week is a painful and regular reminder that time is still passing away. With more time to think and more mental space to pay attention, I realize I miss days that do by. Perhaps this is one of those things we use work and relationships to distract from. I miss last week. I miss yesterday. I miss an hour ago.

I can’t imagine allowing myself to feel this loss on the scale of years.

I got out of bed early for the first time this week. I’m trying to squeeze an extra hour out of the day to look over my to do list for the day and start my journal entries.

It’s an hour before my wife and the pets wake up, so I have to limit my activities to keep the house quiet. It’s nice because it means I can only write or read and I can’t make coffee first thing when I wake up. I can only have water, which is much better for me, anyway. When she wakes up, the day can begin and the expectations start, those from her, from the world, and myself, but for now I am just me and there is nothing but peace. This is my favorite part of the day and I wish I was able to get up early enough to enjoy it more often.

Still, despite the early start and the enthusiasm, the words aren’t flowing as easily as I’d like. I’m stick on this assignment and growing more discouraged by the day. It’s been four now and I still can’t figure out what angle to take or how to go from this germ of an idea to a whole essay complete with paragraphs and a beginning and an end. I may try free writing but that sounds lame, or maybe I’m just being hard on myself.

Today is a better day than yesterday, or it was. I set an alarm for 6:00 AM, but I slept right through it and lost over an hour of daylight. I still haven’t been sleeping well and waking up is getting harder again. I do have the morning routine down so it’s easier to get moving, get cleaning, or writing, or reading, or whatever I feel like doing.

My wife had a long work conference this afternoon, which always makes me feel a little more shut in and stuffy. I have to try to keep quiet and the “creativity room” become off limits to me. The walls close in and this small space grows more suffocating. Not only that, but I am jealous. Even though she is working, she gets to interact with people outside of this house. I can hear laughter. I can hear them asking after each other’s health and catching up over current events. It made me feel overly sensitive and irrationally hurt and somewhat ashamed.

Afterward an old friend of hers invited her to join their family happy hour party on Zoom and the feelings only deepened.

Of course, I can always reach out to my own family and friends and organize a Zoom meeting or video chat if I wanted to, but it always feels better to be the one invited rather than the one doing the inviting, doesn’t it? I know that isn’t right, or it shouldn’t be. I know that if I want to feel less alone, I have to be the one to make the first move and I think I really will. I’d like to plan a virtual version of our old “Margarita Fridays” we used to have with our friends next week. I’d like to plan a Sunday family day too, but I don’t really know how to plan it, yet.